Been Here Too Few Years
by Addie Logan
Summary: After the death of her first love, Buffy Summers swore to never give her heart to another. But with the addition of an unwelcome houseguest into her life, Buffy begins to realize she may have to rethink that vow… (Spuffy; All-human AU)
1. Prologue: The Wedding

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Disclaimer: I don't own _Buffy the Vampire Slayer._ I'm not writing this for profit or personal gain. Why am I writing this you ask? I…well…um… That's a good question. I'll go with "to stave off the insanity." "Hang" is by Matchbox 20.

Rating: R

Summary: After the death of her first love, Buffy Summers swears to never give her heart to another. But with the addition of an unwelcome houseguest into her life, Buffy begins to realize she may have to rethink that vow… (Spuffy; All-human AU)

Spoilers: It's one of those insidious all-human fics, so none, I guess. I'll probably use a few lines from some episodes here and there, but nothing that would give away major plot points for those of you who still haven't managed to see the whole series a year after it ended…

Author's Note: Okay, technically in this story, Spike and Buffy are step-siblings. However, they never lived together as children, and prior to the main part of this fic, they'd only met once (and that's in the prologue.) Basically, they're step-siblings in **name only**. Still, if that's enough to bother you, don't read this and then harass me about it. I know it's a potentially creepy subject, hence this nifty little disclaimer. If you didn't read this, get two pages into the fic, and think "Ew! Her mom is married to his dad! I hate this fic and want to burn it and then give the author a stern talking to," well, it's your own dang fault, and I'll delete your email gleefully. If the sorta almost family issue doesn't bother you, then by all means, read on.

Feedback and Archiving: Feedback is the bestest best thing in the world. (Well, almost, anyway.) Give me lots of it, and I will be a happy and productive author. Also, I love it when people want to archive my work, but I like to be asked first. Please e-mail me any archiving requests before posting my fics. Thanks!

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**Been Here Too Few Years**

**By: Addie Logan**

* * *

**_She grabs her magazines  
_****_She packs her things and she goes  
_****_She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all  
_****_Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years  
_****_To feel this old_**

******_He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'till it's gone  
_****_If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone  
_****_He knows, she's been here too few years, to be gone_**

******_And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday  
_****_But if there's nothing there to make things change  
_****_If it's the same for you  
I'll just hang_**

******_The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't  
_****_Funny how he couldn't see at all, 'til she grabbed up her coat  
_****_And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride  
_****_But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)  
_****_And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday  
_****_But if there's nothing there to make things change  
_****_If it's the same for you  
I'll just hang  
_****_The same for you  
_****_I'll always hang  
_****_Well I always say, it would be good to go away  
_****_But if things don't work out like we think  
_****_And there's nothing there to ease this ache  
_****_But if there's nothing there to make things change  
_****_If it's the same for you,  
_****_I'll just hang_**

* * *

**Prologue: The Wedding**

Buffy Summers was surprised at how excited she was on the morning of her mother's second wedding. When Joyce Summers had first begun dating again after the divorce, Buffy hadn't been happy. It hadn't helped that the first man Joyce had brought home was less than stable and threatened Buffy while playing mini golf of all things.

But try as she might, Buffy had never been able to truly dislike Rupert Giles. In the past year since he'd come into her life, Buffy had already begun to regard the middle-aged librarian as the fatherly role model she'd never really had before. Besides, he'd put a spark of happiness back in Joyce's eyes, and that was one thing that Buffy would never begrudge her mother.

Buffy's ten year old sister Dawn, however, was another story.

"But I like it just the three of us!" Dawn whined as she sat on Buffy's bed, letting the elder Summers sister brush her long, brown hair. "My friend Janice has a step-dad, and she says he's a total jerk."

Buffy held back from saying that if she had to live with Janice, she probably wouldn't be all that cheery either. "But Giles is cool," Buffy said. "In a tweed-wearing high school librarian sort of way. Besides, Mom loves him."

"This is all your fault you know," Dawn accused. "If you hadn't gotten in trouble and had to serve detention, Mom never would've met him, and our lives could've kept going on the way they were."

Buffy through back to that day almost a year ago, when Joyce had come to the Sunnydale High School library to pick her daughter up from detention. Joyce's anger with Buffy had quickly been pushed to the side as she and Giles had begun a two-hour conversation that ended in a dinner invitation. "Personally, I'm glad I got caught trying to skip class," Buffy said. "You can be negative all you want, but I think we're going to make a great family." Buffy hadn't realized how much she'd missed the feeling of unity from having a mother and a father until Giles had come into her life and reminded her what she'd been missing.

Dawn decided she wasn't going to sway Buffy to her side. "Speaking of family, isn't Giles's son supposed to be getting here today?"

"Yeah. Giles is picking him up from the airport at noon."

"The mysterious William," Dawn said with a smirk. "I wonder what he'll be like. You think he'll be another member of the Tweed Squad?"

"I don't think so," Buffy replied. To be honest, she wasn't sure she wanted to meet William. Most of what she'd heard about him had been spoken in hushed tones when Giles and Joyce thought that Buffy couldn't hear them. She knew that, while he'd once been rather introverted, he'd become more rebellious as of late, choosing to remain behind in London—supposedly living with a woman his father didn't approve of—instead of accompanying Giles when he made the move to California.

Giles had stated several times that he wouldn't be surprised if William refused to come at all, despite his attempt to extend the olive branch to his only child and make him his best man. Buffy wished he would just stay in England. She had high hopes for familial bliss, and wild step-brothers could only ruin that.

"Maybe he'll defy all odds and actually be cool," Dawn said.

"Maybe." Buffy patted Dawn's head and set down the brush. "There. Tangle-free. Try to keep it that way at least until it's time to fix it for the wedding. We don't want everyone thinking Mom makes you live out in the woods or something."

Dawn rolled her eyes in classic irritated little sister style. "It was not _that_ bad, Buffy."

"Tell that to the person that didn't just spend twenty minutes detangling your hair."

"Whatever. It was more like fifteen."

"Still too long. Come on, I told Mom we'd make her breakfast."

"Hope she likes cereal," Dawn muttered.

"Hey! I can totally make breakfast."

"Says the girl who seems to think eggs are supposed to be black and crispy."

"I've been practicing, and I think I've discovered and learned from my mistakes."

"Famous last words," Dawn replied as she followed Buffy out of the bedroom.

* * *

William "Spike" Giles grabbed his bag from the trunk of his father's old Citron. They'd barely said two words to each other on the drive to the airport, and Spike was already regretting coming. He almost hadn't, especially when it had been made clear to him that his girlfriend, Drusilla, was not welcome. But Spike had been too curious to see the woman his father had replaced his dead mother with not to show.

Spike started to follow his father into the house, but stopped when he looked up into a second-story window and caught a glimpse of a girl dancing. She wore a shimmery, light blue top that clung to her curves perfectly. Her long, blonde hair framed her face, and she moved with the grace and self-confidence of someone who didn't know she had an audience. The vision of her enthralled him, and for a moment, Spike forgot all about Drusilla. All that existed for him in that moment was the golden goddess he had the privilege of watching. She was radiant, glowing.

_Effulgent_…

"William, are you coming in, or are you going to spend the entire visit standing out on the lawn?"

Spike blinked, his father's irritated voice breaking the spell he'd been under. "Sorry, Rupes. Just admiring your new place."

Giles frowned at his son's disrespectful nickname for him. "Right. Well, come inside. Joyce is at the salon having her hair and make-up done, and I need to get you settled so I can leave before she returns. Bloody tradition and all. Dawn and Buffy are here though, if you would like to meet them."

Spike rolled his eyes. Buffy… He couldn't believe his father was marrying a woman who would name her child _Buffy_. "Fine, I'll meet the little chits."

"William…" Giles said in warning.

"Fine. Let me meet your wonderful wife-to-be's wonderful daughters."

Spike followed Giles into the house, getting a quick glance at the living room as Giles called Buffy and Dawn downstairs. Spike sucked in a breath as the woman he'd watched dancing descended the stairs. She was even more beautiful up close than she'd been through the window. If her mother was anything like her, maybe Spike could understand why his father had decided to remarry. Maybe.

Buffy looked up, feeling a rush of shock at the sight of Giles's son. His clothes were all black, adorned with safety pins, and his short, spiked hair was bleached to white. His deep, blue eyes were rimmed in dark black. He was gorgeous. He was dangerous. How he could be the son of the proper librarian who was marrying her mother was beyond her.

Buffy almost stumbled down the stairs as Dawn ran past her. The younger Summers girl stopped short at the last step, gaping at Spike. "Whoa. You look totally different than in your picture. No puffy brown hair or geek glasses."

"Da, are you _still_ showing people those horrid pictures of me? Bloody hell, do you want everyone to think I'm just a chip off the old pathetic git block?"

"Well, I certainly don't want people to know my son insists on dressing like a street thug and calling himself some ridiculous name. What is it again, Snake?" Giles snapped.

"It's Spike, and you know it," Spike said through clenched teeth.

Buffy decided right then and there that she didn't like the blond punk that was standing in her foyer. Giles was one of the nicest people she knew, and she hated the thought of anyone being rude to him, especially his own son. What was William's problem? Didn't he know how lucky he was to have a father who wasn't scum?

The dreamy look in Dawn's eyes told Buffy that her sister didn't share her sentiments.

"_William_," Giles said pointedly, "These are Joyce's daughters—Buffy and Dawn." Giles gestured to each girl as he said her name. "Girls, this is my son, _William_." Again, Giles made sure to add emphasis to his son's given name.

Spike raised a scarred eyebrow as he learned that the older one was Buffy. He thought for sure she'd be Dawn. After all, her golden hair did remind him of sunrise… He pushed that last thought away. It didn't matter. He had no intention of getting to know anyone in the Summers family. "Nice to meet you," Spike said, sure to make his sarcasm evident.

"My thoughts exactly," Buffy replied with a saccharine smile.

Dawn seemed oblivious to Spike's attempts to be rude. "Do you want me to show him where he'll be staying?" she asked Giles.

"Yes, that would probably be for the best right now," Giles said, grateful for a way to break the tension. "William, you'll be staying in Dawn's room, while Dawn will be with Buffy. Joyce and I will leave for our honeymoon after the reception, but Joyce's mother will be here tonight, as she is staying with the girls while we will be gone."

"Doesn't matter," Spike said with a shrug. "I'm leaving tomorrow morning anyway."

Giles nodded. "I suspected as much."

Dawn grasped Spike's hand, forgetting her previous decision to hate her new step-brother. "Come on, I'll show you my room."

Spike let her pull him behind her, finding he didn't have the heart to continue being rude to her.

"It's smaller than Buffy's room, but it's better," Dawn said as she opened her bedroom door. "Her room is totally lame. It has boy band posters all over the place."

Spike put his bag on top of Dawn's bed. "Well, then, I guess I was lucky in getting your room. Nothing scares me more than those dancing gits and the nancy boy hair gel they like so much."

Dawn giggled. "You know, as much as I totally hate that my mom is marrying your dad, I think I'm glad about you. You seem cool, and I've always wanted a big brother. Having a big sister sucks. Buffy is such a brat."

"Thanks, nibblet. You seem like you'll make a pretty cool little sis yourself."

Dawn smiled brightly at Spike, wishing more than anything that he was staying with them instead of going back to England. Maybe if he was around, she'd finally feel like something other than a freak in her own family.

* * *

Buffy glared at the rumpled tuxedo-clad man leaning against the island in her kitchen. Despite Joyce's insistence that Spike's less-than-pleasant behavior hadn't even registered on her radar, Buffy was convinced that he'd ruined her mother's happy day.

Buffy strode angrily into the kitchen, arms crossed over her chest. "Do you realize you are like the most self-centered, arrogant jerk ever?"

Spike coughed. "Excuse me?"

"How _dare_ you be such an ass at my mother's wedding? She worked hard to make this day perfect, and you had to ruin it!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Betty."

"It's _Buffy_," Buffy snapped. Spike was surprised at how menacing the petite blonde could sound, but didn't let it show.

"Yeah, like that's any better. Buffy." He snorted. "Makes you sound like a porn star."

"Oh yeah, and 'Spike' is so very classy."

Spike forced himself to ignore how attractive she was when she was angry. "Look, you stupid little bint, I really don't care about you or your mum, so why don't you just sod off?"

Buffy glared at him with indignation. "This is _my_ kitchen. If anyone is going to 'sod off,' it's going to be _you_."

Spike would've laughed if he wasn't so mad. He gave her his most infuriating smirk. "I was here first."

"Too bad. Get out."

"Make me, Betty."

Spike and Buffy glared at each other, neither daring to be the first to move.

Dawn walked into the kitchen, unaware of the tension between her sister and new step-brother. "Hey, Spike. I know you have to get up early to catch your plane and stuff, but, um, do you want to watch a movie or something?"

Spike gave Buffy two more seconds worth of good glaring before turning to Dawn. "Sure, bit. Let's go find something to watch."

Buffy rolled her eyes and stepped back, letting Spike walk by. After he and Dawn were gone, she went back to her room, secure in her knowledge that William Giles would get on a plane back to London the next morning, and she would never have to see him again.

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Leave a review and let me know if you want more of this one.


	2. Chapter One

**Five Years Later****…**

****

Buffy stared out the window of her tiny New York apartment, taking in the breathtaking view of a dumpster and the brick wall of the next building over. She sighed wearily at the sound of the pounding bass that was coming from next door, long since resigning herself to the fact that no amount of complaining or beating on the walls would ever make it stop.

The phone rang, and Buffy took it into her tiny bedroom, hoping the extra wall would allow her to hear whoever was on the other line. "Hello."

"Buffy! Honey, I'm so glad I caught you at home! It seems like you're never there."

Buffy cringed at the sound of her mother's voice, wishing she'd just let the answering machine pick up. "That's what happens when you're working your way through college, Mom."

Joyce sighed. "I wish you would just…"

"You didn't call to try to convince me to come home again," Buffy snapped. "What do you want?"

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, and Buffy could imagine the look on her mother's face as she told herself that all the books said she had to learn to take Buffy's desire for independence in stride, and eventually her daughter would realize just how much she needed her mother in her life. "You're right, Buffy. I did call for a favor. Sweetheart, I know you're not going to want to do this, but…"

"No."

"Buffy, you haven't even heard what I'm going to ask yet."

"I don't care. Whatever you want, the answer is no."

"It's really more a favor for Rupert than for me."

Buffy frowned. It was a sneaky tactic on her mother's part, knowing that Buffy would much sooner do something for her step-father than she would for Joyce. "What is it?" Buffy asked through gritted teeth.

"As you know, Rupert's son, William, has been staying with us for the past couple of months…"

"Yeah, what about it?" Buffy had been surprised when the man who had all but disappeared following her mother's wedding had asked to live with his father for a while. Apparently, he was an "aspiring musician" these days, and had come to California to "check out the L.A. scene."

"Well, L.A. isn't working out for him, and he wants to come to New York for a while. You know how hard it can be to get settled in a new place, and…"

"What do you want me to do, spend quality time with him when he gets here?"

"No."

"Scout out a place for him to live?"

"Not exactly. Actually, I'd like for you to…"

Buffy anticipated what her mother was planning to say next. "No. Wait, on second thought, make that a hell no. Not now, not ever, not even if saying yes was the only way to prevent the coming of the Apocalypse. No."

"Buffy, please be sensible about this. It would only be for a little while, until William found a job and a place of his own."

"No! God, I have enough stress in my life without having to put up with him, too."

"I told Rupert he should've been the one to call you. You're so unreasonable when it comes to me."

"_Unreasonable_? After what you did, I don't think anything I do is exactly 'unreasonable.'"

"Buffy, that was not my fault."

"You keep telling yourself that," Buffy replied coldly. "I know differently."

"We are not going to discuss that anymore," Joyce snapped. "I'm asking you to stop being self-centered long enough to help out your family."

Buffy's only response was to hang up. She wished she'd been on something other than a cordless phone. A slam would've felt so much more satisfying.

The phone began ringing again, and this time Buffy did let the answering machine pick up.

"Buffy, it's Giles."

Buffy sighed, and pushed the talk button, the machine shutting off as she did. "Hey, Giles. Mom's pulling out the big guns, huh?"

Giles laughed lightly. "She seems to be under the impression that you'll listen to me better than you do her."

"Yeah, well, there's a reason for that."

Unlike his wife, Giles knew there were certain issues it was better not to challenge Buffy on if he expected to get anything out of her. "I know."

"Look, I can try to find an apartment for him, possibly even get him a few leads on a job. My boss owns a couple of other restaurants. I could put in a good word for William if he promises not to embarrass me."

"And I would appreciate any of that, but the problem is that William is, well, rather impatient. When he decides he wants to do something, he does it, often without thinking it through. He says he wants to leave for New York Monday, and he doesn't seem liable to change his mind."

"Monday? That's three days away!"

"I know. And I'm worried about the kind of trouble he'll get into if he's there all alone. Please, Buffy. I know this is a lot to ask, but I'm only doing so because I'm desperate."

Buffy felt her resolve slipping. Giles had been there for her when her world had fallen apart around her. "Why didn't you call me sooner?"

"William made his decision to move this morning."

"This morning? And he's leaving Monday? Is he insane?"

Giles chuckled. "Quite possibly."

"Great. You want me to have a crazy man as my roommate. Thanks ever so." Buffy paused for a moment, then asked, "Does he still look like a reject from a Billy Idol wannabe contest?"

"Well, um, he…yes."

Buffy sighed. "When's his plane getting in?"

"Late Monday evening. He's taking an early flight, but with layovers and the time difference…"

"Can he take a cab from the airport himself, or do I have to go hold his hand?"

"I'm sure he can manage to find your flat if I give him the address."

"You so owe me, Giles."

"I know," Giles replied, the relief he felt at Buffy's relenting evident in his voice. "I can't thank you enough."

"If he's a total ass, I'm kicking him out."

"I understand."

"I have to go back to work. I'm on my lunch break."

"All right, Buffy. And thank you again."

"Just remind your wife of this when she goes on another one of her rants about what a horrible, selfish person I am."

"Buffy, your mother doesn't think…"

"Don't, Giles," Buffy said, her voice tired. "Just don't."

"Right. I'll call Tuesday to make sure William is settling in."

"Fine. Bye, Giles."

"Good-bye, Buffy."

* * *

"How was your lunch break?"

"Ugh, don't even go there, Willow," Buffy groaned in response to her friend and co-worker as she pulled her ponytail through the back of the black cap she had to wear around the food. "You will not believe the phone call I got."

Willow leaned on the counter. "What happened?"

"My mother called…"

"Already feeling the badness…"

"It gets worse. She called to ask me a favor—a really big, really imposing favor."

"What did she want you to do? I mean, you can't really do much, being all the way on the other side of the country and all."

"You'd think. She wants me to let my step-father's son come stay with me for a while."

"What? You never told me you have a step-brother."

"That's because I don't."

"But your step-father's son…"

"Exactly. That's what he is. See, 'brother' implies some kind of familial relation, and I don't even know this guy. I met him once, five years ago at my mom's wedding, and he was a total asshole then. From what I remember, he was a complete freak, and I never even wanted to see him again, never mind have him as a roommate."

"Maybe he's changed," Willow offered.

"I doubt it. He's been staying with Mom and Giles for a while, so I've heard a little about him. He's trying to make it as a musician, or something like that, and all I can think about is what kind of hell that's going to reek upon my life."

"I lived with a bass player for a while. It wasn't bad."

Buffy cocked an eyebrow. "When did you live with a bass player?"

"Beginning of my freshman year, before I met you. But then he had all these personal problems—completely unrelated to the whole musician thing, I swear—and I, well, figured out I'm kinda gay."

"The things I learn about your wild past, Willow Rosenberg," Buffy said with a smirk.

Willow rolled her eyes. "I'd hardly call my past 'wild.'"

"I don't know… Xander told me about your crayon-breaking days in kindergarten, you rebel, you."

"That was an accident!"

"Excuse me, but I do not see money being made."

Willow and Buffy turned around to face their manager, Anya Jenkins. Anya was a little older than the other two women, and had graduated the year before with a degree in business. "That's because there aren't any customers," Buffy replied.

"There aren't any customers because they can see through the windows that the two of you aren't in your money-making positions." The bell above the door rang, and Anya jumped. "There's a customer now!"

"That's not a customer. That's just Xander. He's bringing back the notes he borrowed from me," Willow said.

"Xander!" Anya exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she ran her hands down her sides, smoothing out her clothes.

"Hey, Wills. Buffster," Xander said, approaching the counter. He looked at the third woman. "Anya, right?"

"Right. I'm Anya. And you're Xander," Anya replied, as if trying to conceal nervousness.

"Um, yeah. That I am."

"So you have my notes?" Willow asked.

"Yep," Xander replied, bringing his backpack around so he could get them. "You system of color coding was really helpful."

"See!" Willow cried triumphantly. "Tara says it's insane. Well, actually, she _said_ 'quirky,' but I know she meant insane. I could tell."

"Well, you can let Tara know that I said your system is very useful," Xander replied, handing the notes over the counter. "Hey, do you think while I'm here I could get a cheese danish?"

"Sure," Buffy replied, going towards the cash register.

"Buffy, don't charge him! He's your friend!" Anya said, getting Xander his danish.

Willow and Buffy exchanged a look. Anya didn't even give free food to employees, never mind their friends.

Anya handed Xander the pastry in a small paper bag, brushing her fingers against his as she did. "Please come back again," she said with a bright smile.

Xander smiled back, taking the bag. "I will."

"Are you taking off now?" Buffy asked him.

"Yeah. I have a class to get to. We still on for tonight?"

"Of course," Willow replied. "Buffy, you can still make it too, right? Don't have to do a lot to get ready for your houseguest?"

"A world of no. I'm going to do anything to make his stay more comfortable. If anything, I'll do what I can to make it more _uncomfortable_. Want to come by later and help me hide sharp things in the couch?"

"Buffy has a houseguest—a _male_ houseguest?" Xander asked.

"It's just her brother," Willow replied.

"Buffy has a brother?"

Buffy sighed. "No, Buffy does not have a brother. It's my mother's husband's son."

"Wouldn't that be your step-brother?" Anya asked.

"No. He's…he's just the guy that's going to probably be making my life miserable for a while. No big."

Xander raised an eyebrow. "Fill me in on this later?"

"Yeah, I will."

"Okay. I'm off, then. Catch you ladies later. And nice to see you again, Anya."

"You, too, Xander." As soon as Xander left, Anya's dreamy smile left her face. "Okay, back to making money now," she commanded before going to the office.

"Did I have a moment of insanity, or did Anya just give something for free?" Willow asked.

"Unless we both had the same hallucination, she did."

"Wow. I never thought I'd live to see the day."

"I think she likes him," Buffy said. "Although as clueless as Xander tends to be, she'd probably have to show up to his apartment, take off all her clothes, and explain to him that their bodies interlock before he'd figure it out."

"And then we'd have the privilege of listening to Anya describe her orgasm-giving activities with Xander," Willow replied with a shudder. "That is one thing I do _not_ want to think about."

"Better than her descriptions of the vengeance she inflicts once the orgasms stop," Buffy replied. "That woman can be really scary at times."

"Have you seen that _look_ she gets in her eyes?" Willow asked. "It's downright demonic."

Buffy giggled. "I know that look. She gets it when she thinks the money's been endangered."

"Yep, that's the one." Willow laughed for a moment, then sobered. "Are you going to be okay with this whole mother's-husband's-son as a roommate thing?"

"I think so," Buffy replied. "And if I'm not, you'll help me hide the body, right?"

Willow wrapped her arm around Buffy's shoulder. "Of course. After all, what are friends for?"

* * *

Buffy groaned, the loud banging at her front door pulling her out of a deep sleep. She looked at the clock, wondering who in the world could possibly be bothering her at this hour. Then she remembered.

William…

Buffy pulled herself from the couch where she'd been waiting for him. Even allowing for complications, he should've been there hours ago. It was three a.m., and she had a class in five hours.

Rubbing her eyes, Buffy walked towards the door, grumbling. She looked through the peephole, not sure if she was relieved or not to see that it was her new "roommate." She opened the door, feeling her skin prickle at the positively irritating smirk he was giving her.

"Hello, cutie."

* * *

Yeah, I know—cruel place to leave it. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. In the meantime, please leave a review and let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter Two

Spike looked down at the brunette who was currently glaring at him as if he were her least favorite person on the planet. He hid his shock, but the woman he was looking at now barely resembled the one he'd seen five years earlier. Aside from the change in her hair color, the healthy glow her skin had once held had been replaced by an almost sickly pallor.

"Hello, William. There's the couch," Buffy said, gesturing in the general direction of the aforementioned piece of furniture. "Sleep on it. Or just sit if you're not tired. Just don't make any noise. Got it?"

Spike frowned. Her mother had said something about Buffy experiencing some rough times since the wedding, but he wasn't expecting this. Her eyes held no spark, only weariness. She looked—_broken_. For a moment, Spike almost felt bad to be imposing himself on her like this, but then he remembered he had nowhere else to go.

"Um, yeah, okay. And, um, sorry about being so late. The plane got stuck in Cleveland for a while and…"

"Whatever. I have an early class." Buffy pushed past him, shutting and locking the front door before going back to her bedroom, leaving Spike standing in her small kitchen-slash-living room.

"Well, this should be fun," Spike muttered to himself as he made his way to the couch.

* * *

Buffy walked out of her bedroom the next morning, her houseguest completely forgotten until she walked into the living room to see him sprawled out on her couch in nothing but a pair of ripped jeans. Her barely functionally-awake brain provided her first thought before she could control it. Much to Buffy's dismay, that thought happened to be "Mmm…yummy." 

Her subsequent horror that that thought had entered her mind for even a second was like a splash of cold ice water. She scoffed in disgust. He wasn't attractive at all. Scrawny and pale. Who would want to look at that?

She gave him one last, quick glance out of the corner of her eye before going to the bathroom to get ready for school.

* * *

"So is your step-brother here yet?" 

Buffy gave Willow a dirty look as they walked together from class. "How many times do I have to tell you—mother's husband's son."

"Oh. Sorry, I forgot."

Buffy clutched her books tighter to her chest. "He's here. Got in at some _ungodly_ hour this morning. I already wish he was gone."

"Did he do something?" Willow asked, frowning.

"Yes. He showed up. That was enough to keep from endearing himself to me. I am _so_ not looking forward to going home with him there."

"I've got a solution for that—there's a party tonight that Tara, Xander, and I are all going to. Why don't you tag along?"

"Willow, I've told you a thousand times—I don't do parties. They're too much of a distraction."

Willow nudged her. "Riley Finn will be there."

"And I care about this because…"

"Oh, come on, Buffy—I've seen the way you look at him. Wistful stares across the classroom. And he's totally been looking back."

Buffy tried to push down the blush that threatened to form at her friend's teasing. "No way. I am fully content to be a single Buffy. Besides, I have to work tonight."

"Um, Buff, the bakery isn't open at night."

Buffy paled. "I meant school work! Yes, I have papers—lots of them."

Willow moved in front of Buffy, stopping her before she could try to walk faster. "You took a second job! You said you wouldn't do that again—not after you all but passed out from exhaustion the last time."

Buffy looked down. "I know, but…" She sighed, and said softly, "I had to, Wills. My power was cut off last week. If I didn't…" She felt tears sting her eyes.

Willow softened then, patting Buffy's shoulder, wishing there was more she could do for her friend. Willow had tried helping her out with what little money she could give in the past, but Buffy wouldn't take it. She said she didn't want to feel like the "charity case friend." "Maybe you could convince Snyder to give you a raise at the bakery," she suggested.

"Oh yes. Because that little rat-face man is so big with handing out more money. All he ever does is walk in the door, announce he hates everyone who works for him, and then leave."

"Good point. Buffy, you know if there's anything I can do…"

"I'll be okay. Really. I learned from last time, and I think I can better juggle two jobs and school now."

"If you say so…" Willow replied, obviously weary. "But Buffy, if things start getting as bad as they were before…"

"I know. I'll watch out for myself. I promise."

Willow moved away, letting them both continue walking down the hall. She said nothing, but the doubt in her eyes hadn't gone away.

* * *

Spike looked up from where he was sitting on the couch as Buffy walked in the door. "How was school?" 

"Don't talk to me."

"Right then." Spike turned back to the television.

Buffy opened the fridge, took out the milk, frowning as she felt the weight of the carton. She looked inside, confirming her suspicions. "The milk's gone."

"Yeah. I'll buy more when I figure out where the store is."

"You put the empty carton back in the fridge. That's…" Buffy stopped, frowning at the television. "Are you watching a soap opera?"

"_Passions_. Bloody brilliant show."

"You're a freak. Keep it down. I have to study." She tossed the empty milk carton in the garbage can and walked towards her bedroom, stopping halfway there and turning towards Spike. "And could you please put a shirt on? I really don't want to have to look at your pathetic excuse for a chest." With that, she went into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

"Bitch," Spike muttered to himself, turning up the volume of the television.

* * *

Buffy came home, grateful to find her apartment dark and empty. She would have rather found it also without Spike's things still being here, but she would take what she could get. 

He hadn't left her any note telling her where he'd gone or when he'd be back, but she didn't care. As far as Buffy was concerned, whoever had claimed that misery loves company had been wrong. She preferred to be alone and miserable. It made her feel less pathetic if the rest of the world couldn't see how low she'd let herself become.

Her stomach rumbled, but she ignored it. She'd already eaten tonight anyway, the caterers at her new job with the event staff at a reception hall allowing her to have some of the leftover hors d'oeuvres. Besides, it wasn't like she hadn't gone to bed hungry plenty of times before.

She went into the bathroom, stripping out of her uniform. She didn't look in the mirror, tired of the sight of the dark circles under her eyes and the outline of her ribs through her pale skin. She didn't know who it was she was seeing anymore, could barely convince herself that that was indeed her own reflection. She turned on the shower and stepped into the stall, letting the warm water wash over her weary, aching body.

Buffy pressed her hands against the tile wall, willing herself not to cry. She could be strong. She could do this. It didn't matter how hard things were now, they'd be better someday. She'd graduate, get a real job, and finally be able to make ends meet.

Five, ten years from now, none of this would matter.

After her shower, Buffy dried her hair and dressed for bed, looking forward to getting a few hours of sleep. Tomorrow was Saturday, but she had a double shift at the bakery, followed by another reception at her new job. If she could just rest a little, maybe she wouldn't be dead on her feet for that.

Buffy had just drifted off to sleep when it began. Her shelves began to rattle, the beat pounding from next door threatening to make everything on them spill to the floor. She groaned, pushing her pillow against her ears in an attempt to muffle the noise. It didn't work, nor did it cease the vibrations that shook the small apartment.

After close to half an hour of attempting to fall asleep despite the din, she got out of bed, walked next door and knocked. A few moments later, a tall, dark haired man opened the door, smirking down at her. "Can I help you?"

"Percy, I know we go through this all the time, but could you please turn the music down just this once? I'm really tired."

"I don't see how that's my problem."

"It's not really, but I just…"

"Look, I honestly don't care if you're some kind of loser that stays home in bed Friday nights, because I have a life—and right now, I'm having a party. You can't dictate the lives of the people around you."

"I'm not trying to…"

"You need to learn to live with other people, bitch. Get over it, and don't bother me again." Percy slammed the door in her face.

Buffy walked back to her apartment, forcing back tears for the second time that night as she went into her room and sat on the bed. She pulled the chain she wore around her neck from under her night shirt, clutching the Claddagh ring that hung from the end. Now she did cry, the burden of the painful memories she carried with her every day weighing her down further.

She wished as she did everyday that things were different, that fate hadn't been so cruel to her. If she could just have him here now, even simply to comfort her, she knew that everything would be okay.

When Buffy finally fell asleep that night, her hand was still wrapped tightly around the ring.

* * *

I want to apologize for the fact that I neglected this story for two months. That wasn't my intention when I began it, but I got caught up in a couple of other fics, and this one suffered. However, I am now turning my attention back here, and I promise I won't wait that long for another update. (Although reviews usually make me update faster—hint, hint.) 

Also, before I write anymore, I want to clearly state a few things as to not have any confusion in the future. I plan for this fic to be a long one, with a healthy dose of both UST and angst. That means it will be awhile before Buffy and Spike are an actually couple. However, despite the references to both Angel and Riley in this chapter, this story is Spuffy. If you're game for emotional ups and downs and whatnot, then by all means continue reading. I hope to make it an enjoyable ride. However, if you want fluff where Spike and Buffy are happy all the time, you're in the wrong place—and I don't want to see any reviews griping at me about it either. You've been warned right here, right now.

That being said, I also don't plan to make it so angsty that you feel the need to drown yourself in a box of Kleenex. There will also hopefully be enough humor and romance to stave off the need for Valium. Or whiskey. Either one.

Let me know what you think of it so far!


	4. Chapter Three

Buffy stood on a beach, watching as the sun set into the ocean. She could feel the breeze blowing through her golden hair, and she closed her eyes, smiling. Everything was peaceful, as if all the pain she'd known in the past few years had simply melted away.

She felt strong arms wrap around her, and she leaned back, resting against the comforting firmness of his chest. "You're here."

"I'm always here," a voice rumbled in her ear. "I'll always be here. With you."

Buffy turned then, looking into dark, soulful eyes. "Angel…"

Angel smiled sadly, stroking Buffy's cheek. Then, in a flash, he was gone, and Buffy was alone in an alley. She looked around, her heart beating faster as she realized where she was. "No…" she said softly, tears stinging her eyes. "Not here! Anywhere but here, please."

"Buffy!"

Buffy turned sharply at the sound of Angel's voice, watching as the bullet tore through his body. She ran to him as he slumped to the ground, and cradled his head in his lap. "Don't leave me," she begged through tears. "Don't leave me this time, please."

"I have to. You know I have to."

"No! I can't do it anymore. I can't be alone…" Angel's eyes closed, and Buffy held him tightly, mouthing silent pleas as she sobbed.

"This is your fault, you know."

Buffy looked up to see a second Angel standing in front of her, pointing to the dead body that she still held. "I…I didn't mean…"

"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be dead. You killed me, Buffy. You have no one to blame for your misery but yourself."

Buffy looked down at the blood covering her hands. "I'm so sorry. I never thought this would happen. I thought…I thought we'd be happy."

"Guess you were wrong."

Buffy sat up in her bed, clutching her sheets to her. She trembled, trying to tell herself it was only a dream.

But it wasn't just a dream. She was alone. Angel was dead—and it was all her fault.

For the second time that night, Buffy cried herself to sleep.

* * *

Buffy was grateful to see Spike was wearing a shirt the next morning. Granted, that was only because he had quite obviously passed out in his clothes, but if it meant she didn't have to see his bare chest, then she really didn't care.

By the time she'd finished getting dressed for work, Spike hadn't moved. Buffy got her keys and started out the door, but stopped when she was hit with a sudden concern. What if he was dead? She knew it was a bit farfetched, but she'd heard stories of people getting drunk, passing out face down, and choking to death. Shouldn't she make sure she didn't have a corpse in her apartment before she went to work?

Dropping her purse and keys on the table, Buffy went over to Spike and knelt beside the couch. She watched him for a moment, trying to decide exactly how to figure out if he was still among the living. His face was turned away from her, and with him lying on his back, she couldn't quite tell if he was breathing or not.

She leaned over him, reaching out tentatively to place her hand under his nose. Suddenly, Spike turned, grabbing her hand as he did and pulling her on to him. Buffy yelped, sprawling out on top of him ungracefully. She tried to push herself up, but Spike had wrapped her arm around her waist, keeping her pinned.

Buffy sighed heavily. Why was he here? Didn't her life suck enough without him in it? She squirmed, attempting to work her way off of Spike. Instead, she managed to dump them both off the couch, landing with her on the floor and Spike on top of her.

It was then that Spike woke, blinking as he noticed their positions. "Buffy? How…"

"I was checking to see if you were dead," Buffy replied with a glare.

"Huh?"

"Get off me," Buffy snapped, trying to push at his chest again.

Spike stood, rubbing his head. "I thought I fell asleep on the couch."

"You did," Buffy replied, standing and brushing herself off.

"That doesn't explain why I woke up on top of you, on the floor," Spike said with a frown.

"I told you—I was checking to see if you were dead."

"Maybe it's just the hangover's fault, but that doesn't make a lot of sense."

Buffy sighed heavily. "You weren't moving, so I came to see if you were breathing, and then somehow we ended up on the floor—okay?"

"Right. Whatever. I just want to go back to sleep."

"Fine. I'm late for work anyway. Bye."

"See you," Spike mumbled, lying back down on the couch.

It wasn't until Buffy was walking away from the apartment building that she thought about what had happened. She remembered the way Spike had felt stretched on top of her, and she blushed. His body was tight and well-muscled, and it had felt even better than it had looked…

Buffy shook her head. Spike's body hadn't looked good at all. Too skinny, she reminded herself. And it hadn't felt nice either. She wasn't attracted to Spike. Not at all. She pushed those thoughts out of her head, concentrating on the long day she was facing instead.

* * *

"You know, you've been wiping off that same section of the counter for five minutes."

Buffy looked up at Willow. "Oh. It's um…really dirty."

"Or maybe you're really out of it. You've been here since the breakfast shift, Buffy. It's a slow day—tell Anya you need to go home. She'll let you. Rat-man Snyder isn't here."

"I can't," Buffy said, still running the wet rag over the counter. "You know I need the money, Wills."

"I know. You just look beat," Willow replied. "Is it because of your second job?"

"No. Percy was at it again with the music last night. And then I had a nightmare. So between the two, it wasn't a big night for sleep."

Willow frowned. "A nightmare? About what?"

Buffy shifted uncomfortably. "I don't remember," she lied, hoping she could convince Willow enough that she'd drop the subject.

"Nightmares suck," Willow said. "I have this recurring one where I'm about to go on stage, but I didn't even know I was in a play, so I don't know any of my lines." She frowned. "And then I'm chased by this guy carrying a plate of cheese. I don't know what that's all about."

Buffy quirked her eyebrow. "Cheese?" she asked, grateful that the subject had moved away from her own dream.

"Yeah. It's weird. So what are your plans after you get out of here?"

"I'm working the other job tonight," Buffy replied. "Until two."

"Two? In the morning? Geez, with your shift here and then that, you're pulling like a seventeen hour day!"

"I have two hours in between," Buffy replied. "Besides, I have tomorrow off. I can just be lazy Buffy. Well, except for that paper I have to write."

"Buffy, I wo…"

"I know, Willow. You worry. But don't. I can handle myself. All that matters right now is having enough money to stay housed while I'm finishing school."

Willow frowned. She knew there was nothing she could say to convince Buffy that she was pushing herself too hard. The door opened, and Willow looked up as a tall man walked in. She nudged Buffy. "Look, it's Riley," she whispered.

"I can see it's Riley," Buffy replied. "So?"

"So…go take his order," Willow said, gently pushing Buffy towards the register. Buffy sighed, dropping the rag to the counter as she did.

"Can I help you?" Buffy asked.

Riley's hands were shoved in his pockets, and he gave Buffy a boyish grin. "Hi, Buffy."

"Hi, Riley. Order?"

"Yeah, I'll, um, have a…small coffee."

"Just a coffee?"

"Yeah."

"You came all the way over here for a small coffee? I thought you lived on the other side of town."

"I do. You guys just have, um, really good coffee."

"We do?"

Riley sighed. "Okay, so you don't. It's actually fairly awful. But, um, I…I wanted to ask you on a date."

"A date? _Me_?"

"Yeah," Riley replied. "I know we don't know each other that well, but I want to change that. I…I really like you Buffy."

Buffy let out a deep breath. "Riley, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't like you, because you seem like a really great guy, but I just don't have time for dating right now. My schedule's sort of full."

"Maybe if your schedule clears up?" Riley asked hopefully.

"Maybe—but I can't make you any promises. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Riley said, poorly masking his disappointment. "I'll catch you later, Buffy."

"Guess he really didn't want the coffee," Buffy muttered as the door shut behind Riley.

Willow came over then. "So…what happened?"

"He asked me out."

"That's great!" Willow frowned. "Only you don't have a 'that's great' sort of face. What's wrong?"

"I told him no."

"You told him no! Are you _crazy_? Riley's been totally crushing on you all year—and I know it's mutual, so don't try to tell otherwise. The best friend always knows."

"It's not that I don't like him. I mean, yeah, he's nice—and definitely a hottie—but, I just… I can't. I have so much to do, and I wouldn't have time to throw a boyfriend into the mix. It wouldn't be fair to Riley."

"This isn't about that Parker guy, is it?"

Buffy blinked. "Parker? _Abrahms_? Willow, that was like three years ago."

"I know, but I haven't seen you date anyone since, and I thought maybe…"

"A world of no. I mean, yeah, Parker was a dick, but this isn't about him. I just have too much on my plate right now to mess with dating."

"You might be less stressed if you had someone to give you orgasms."

Willow and Buffy both whirled around to see Anya leaning against one of the food preparation counters. "How long have you been standing there?" Willow asked.

"Not long," Anya replied. "But long enough to hear that Buffy is apparently 'too busy' for orgasms. That's no way to live."

"Thanks for the input, Anya," Buffy grumbled.

"I'm only trying to be helpful. Impart my knowledge. Oh, and I wanted to ask about Xander."

Willow blinked. "Xander? What about him?"

"How is he doing? Has he mentioned me?"

"He's fine, and no," Willow replied.

"Oh," Anya frowned. "Well, tell him to come in here more often. I'll give him free food. Men like food." She smiled brightly.

"I'll pass the message on," Willow said.

"Great! Now get back to work." Anya went back towards the office.

Buffy and Willow shared a smile before Buffy went back to wiping off the counters.

* * *

Again, Buffy came home after her second job to an empty yet loud apartment. She glared at the wall before going into her bedroom, collapsing on the bed still in her uniform. She'd told Willow that she was fine, but the truth was, she didn't know how she was going to keep holding on.

She was beyond exhausted, her one comfort being she could get some sleep the next day. But after that? She knew from experience that lack of sleep started weighing down on you, even if you tried to "catch up" by sleeping more when you could.

She toed off her shoes, curling up on top of the blankets. Her eyes drifted shut, and somehow even with the pounding music she managed to fall asleep.

* * *

Buffy woke up the next morning, rubbing her eyes groggily. She frowned as she realized she'd fallen asleep in her clothes, and changed from the rumpled uniform to jeans and a t-shirt. She walked out into the living room, rolling her eyes as she saw Spike passed facedown on the couch again. She wondered if he could be anymore of a loser if he tried.

Buffy started towards the bathroom, stopping when she realized the door was closed. And was that the shower running? Buffy frowned as she heard a female voice begin singing loudly and off-key. Just what she needed—some skank in her bathroom.

Buffy sat at her table, waiting until the door opened and a blonde woman walked out. "And you would be?" Buffy asked.

The woman balled her fists and planted them firmly on her hips. "I could ask the same of you. And what are you doing in my blondie bear's apartment?"

"This is _my_ apartment," Buffy replied through gritted teeth.

The blonde's eyes widened. "Oh! You're not like his wife or something, are you? Cause the last time I got caught by a guy's wife it was sooo not pretty."

"I am _not_ his wife."

"Girlfriend?"

"No!"

"Roommate?"

"Uh, not really."

The blonde looked perplexed. "Then who are you?"

Buffy sighed. "I'm his father's wife's daughter."

The blonde frowned, her brow furrowed. "Wouldn't that make you his sister?" she asked after a moment.

"What! No! That _thing_ is in no way my family," she said, gesturing towards Spike. "Now you—out of my apartment."

"Ugh. Fine. Tell Spikey I'll call him later."

"Whatever. Out."

The blonde grabbed her shoes and purse and stormed out of the apartment, shooting Buffy a murderous look as she did.

Buffy went over to the couch, shaking Spike hard. His eyes were bleary as they opened and looked up at her. "What the bloody hell do _you_ what?"

"Who was that?"

"Who was who?"

"The blonde girl, in my bathroom. Who was she?"

"Oh buggering fuck. I really should learn to drink less." Spike clutched his head as if for emphasis.

"Do you even know her name?"

"Sure I do. Let me think…um…Heather? No, not Heather. Hannah! No, wait not Hannah. Oh, bugger, I know this one."

"You're a pig."

"Harmony!" Spike exclaimed. "It was Harmony. Harmony Kendall. She's a fashion major." He gave Buffy a smug look.

"Oh, I'm so impressed. Could you do me a favor?"

"Maybe. What?"

"Don't bring your sluts back to my apartment. The last thing I need is strange, scantily clad women running around."

"What am I supposed to do then? I can't just give up shagging."

"You could always go back to their apartments."

"I hate doing that."

"Why? Because then they might expect you to remember their names?"

"For starters."

"Again—pig."

"Oink, oink, baby."

"Well, you may not be done with Heather Hannah Harmony. She said she'd call you later."

"I didn't giver her my number! I…oh, hell. I bet Oz did."

"Oz?"

"Bass player I met the other night. The lead singer of his band might be quitting. If so, I could have myself an in."

"An in to what?"

"Uh, a band. That's why I'm here, remember?"

"I thought you were here to sleep on my couch and eat my food."

"Oi! I went shopping yesterday, I'll have you know." Spike crossed his hands over his chest. "Replaced everything I ate."

"Really?"

"Yes. I still had some money left over from before I came here."

"And that's where you've been the past few nights—trying to find a band to play with?" Buffy asked.

"Well, yeah. What did you think I was doing, just going out and getting pissed?"

"Yes." Buffy held up her hands in defense at Spike's look. "Hey, you've been passed out drunk almost every time I've seen you. What was I supposed to think?"

"That's where you meet the bands, pet. In bars."

"How classy." Buffy regarded Spike for a moment. So he was a deadbeat, but maybe he wasn't quite as much of a deadbeat as she had thought he was. "You said there was food?"

"Nothing fancy like. But there's stuff in there. Help yourself."

Buffy gave him a little smile and went into the kitchen. She opened the pantry and took out a can of soup. Spike followed her in, watching as she stood up on tiptoe to get a pot from the cabinet over the stove. Spike frowned as he watched her shirt ride up. He could see her ribcage and her stomach was concave.

"You don't eat much, do you?" he asked.

"I'm not anorexic," Buffy snapped, putting the pot on the stove and dumping in the can of soup.

Spike opened the fridge, taking out mayonnaise and lunchmeat. "I didn't say you were. You're just…really skinny."

"There something wrong with that?" Buffy asked, stirring the soup.

"There is if you're starving."

"I'm not starving. I mean yeah, sometimes I can't exactly afford three square meals a day, but I'm far from starving. And furthermore—mind your own business."

Spike's lips formed a straight line as he worked on fixing sandwiches. She was right—it wasn't his business. If the bint wanted to starve herself, he certainly didn't care. Still, he fixed lunch for her as well.

Buffy sat across from Spike at the table, glancing awkwardly between him and the food. "Thank you for this," she said.

"It's the least I could do," Spike said with a shrug. "I don't have enough quid to pitch in with the rent right now, but I can help with the groceries."

Buffy took a bite of her sandwich and swallowed. "I sort of assumed you'd be mooching."

"Appearances aside, I do have a bit of honor," Spike said, slightly offended. "I'm not a complete and total wanker."

"Not a total wanker. Got it."

"So what's your story anyway?" Spike asked. "Last time I saw you, you were all feisty and blonde. Now you're…not."

"It's none of your business," Buffy replied.

"Some boy done you wrong?"

"I said it was none of your business!" Buffy snapped.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Right. I won't ask again then."

"Good."

They were both silent for the rest of the meal.

* * *

Sorry for the delay in updates. I was out of town for Christmas, and then I had company. But I should be able to return to a more regular posting schedule now.

Just to alleviate any fears, I know I brought Harmony and Riley into the story, but this is still a Spuffy fic. Yes, I'm going to have a bit with them in order to add a bit more tension, but Spike and Buffy are the couple for this fic. And just to let you know, I find Riley really icky and try to have as little of him as possible…

Thanks for all the reviews you've left so far. Keep leaving them, and I'll keep writing. :)


	5. Chapter Four

"Miss Summers, may I speak with you?"

Buffy turned around before walking through the classroom door, going back towards the desk at the front of the room. "Yes, Professor Walsh?"

"I noticed you nodding off in class today."

"I'm sorry," Buffy replied. "I was trying to stay awake, my eyes just kept shutting on their own."

"So my class is boring then?"

"No! It's not that at all! It's just…"

"I don't want to hear any excuses, Miss Summers. I also want to say that I have already glanced at the paper you turned in Monday, and I am severely disappointed. It is not the quality I would expect from someone who has selected psychology as her major."

"I know it wasn't my best, but…"

"Everything you do in here should be your best."

"I realize that, but things have just been really hard lately, and…"

"School should be your top priority. If it's not…well, some people are cut out for college, and some people aren't."

Buffy blinked back tears. "I really am trying…"

"Try a little harder. That will be all, Miss Summers."

Buffy nodded and walked out of the classroom. She felt her eyes burning, as she fought not to cry. She'd heard from some of the other students that Walsh could be a real bitch, but she hadn't expected that. And what if the professor was right?

"Buffy, are you okay?"

Buffy looked up, smiling at Tara for only a moment before the tears came. "No."

Tara hugged her, patting her back. "What happened?"

"I'm not cut out for college," Buffy whimpered.

"Huh?"

Buffy pulled back, wiping at her eyes. "I just had a talk with one of my professors. She said my paper sucked and maybe I wasn't 'cut out' for college."

"Buffy, that is _not_ true," Tara said. "That woman doesn't know what she's talking about."

"She might…"

"No, she doesn't." Tara put her arm around Buffy. "I was about to meet Willow and Xander for coffee. Wanna come?"

Buffy nodded. "I was going to go to the library and catch up on my reading, but I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind right now."

"Well then let's get you all caffined-up." Tara said with a smile.

Buffy smiled back as she walked with Tara down the hall.

* * *

"The bitch actually said that? Man what a…well, bitch," Xander said after Buffy had related her encounter with Professor Walsh to her friends.

"Don't listen to her, Buffy," Willow said, sipping her mocha latte. "She doesn't know what she's talking about. You're a very dedicated student."

"Yeah. Most people who take on as much as you do would probably be insane by now," Xander said. "And you haven't, so you've got sanity going for you at least."

Buffy smirked. "Thanks guys. It's nice to know I have people in my corner."

"You've always got us, Buffy," Tara said. "You don't have to feel like you're alone or anything."

"I know. And I'm grateful for that." She nudged Xander, who was seated beside her. "If it wasn't for you guys I probably _would_ be in a mental institution."

"So how's the roommate situation coming?" Willow asked.

"Not quite as bad as I thought," Buffy said. "Granted, he spends most of the day passed out drunk on the couch and Sunday there was some skanky girl in my bathroom, but he also went grocery shopping, so it's not all of the bad."

"Has he found any other possible places to live yet?" Xander asked.

"No. I don't think he's looking. He's trying to find a band to play with right now."

"Any prospects on that?" Tara asked.

"He thinks so. Some band with a funny name. Wolves Ate My Toddler or something."

"Dingoes Ate My Baby," Willow said softly.

"You know them?" Buffy asked.

"Remember the other day when I said I used to date a bassist?"

"Yeah."

"That's his band."

"Oh."

The table grew silent for a while, and Buffy glanced over at Tara, watching as the woman shifted uncomfortably. "So, anything else interesting going on?" Buffy asked, wanting to change the subject.

"We got a kitten," Willow said, grateful for Buffy's topic switch. "Tara and me. For our apartment." Willow reached out and gave Tara's hand a squeeze.

"Ooh, kittens are cute," Buffy said. "What did you name it?"

"Right now we're calling her Miss Kitty Fantastico," Willow replied.

"That's a mouthful," Xander said.

"We shorten it to Miss Kitty most of the time," Tara said, her hand still gripping Willow's.

"Well, she sounds adorable," Buffy said. "I'll have to come by some time and see her."

"Willow and I were talking about having you guys over for dinner some time," Tara said. "Is there any time coming up that would be good for you, Buffy?"

"I'm off from both jobs next Monday. Would that work?"

"Sounds good to me," Willow said. "How about you, Xander—could you come?"

"Free food? Count me in."

"Great," Willow replied. "Hey, Buffy, maybe you could bring that mother's-husband's-son of yours. I'm sort of curious to meet him."

"Me, too," Xander said. "See what sort of guy this is staying with you, Buffster."

"I'll ask him," Buffy said with a frown. "But he'll probably just say no anyway. We've had all of about five conversations since he moved in, and those weren't even real conversations. Just small talk here and there."

Willow shrugged. "Well, just ask him. If you want to, of course. If he's totally horrible, we'll sic Miss Kitty on him. Granted, we haven't seen how she does against a human yet, but she's vicious when it comes to a ball of yarn."

Buffy chuckled. "I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

Buffy groaned as she saw Percy walk out of his apartment. He was not high on her list of people she felt like dealing with at the moment. Or ever for that matter.

"Um, hey, Buffy."

"Hello, Percy," Buffy replied. Something was different about him. He was being nice—and was that fear in his eyes?

"I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about the music. I'll be sure to keep it down from now on."

Buffy blinked. "Um, okay, thanks."

"As a matter of fact, I'm getting rid of my subwoofer. So you can tell your roommate that, too. I won't be bothering either one of you. Okay, well, see you." Percy ran back into his apartment, shutting and locking the door.

Buffy went into her own apartment, finding Spike sitting on the couch watching television. "The strangest thing just happened to me," she said, setting her bookbag on the table.

"Oh? What would that be?" Spike asked, looking over at her.

"My neighbor who has been a total asshole since he moved in, just came and not only apologized for his previous behavior, but also said he'd keep his music down from now on. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Oh, yeah. Percy. We had a nice little chat this morning."

"What brought that on?"

"I was hung over. He was loud. I showed him the error of his ways."

"Well, um, thanks."

"Didn't do it for you. I had a bloody migraine, and that shite he calls music was not helping. So how was school?"

Buffy sat beside him on the couch. "Awful. One of my professors lambasted me for not being dedicated enough to college."

"What? You? Bloody hell, all I ever see you do is school and work. You're the most serious person I've ever met. A bit too serious if you ask me."

"Yeah, well, apparently it's not enough for Professor Walsh. I kept nodding off in class today, probably because I've worked until after midnight for the past two days. Oh, and the paper I turned in Monday—crap."

"Are you working tonight?"

"No, thank god. I had to work a shift at the bakery before my first class, so I'm completely wiped."

"How much sleep did you get last night?"

Buffy shrugged. "Two hours. Maybe three."

Spike frowned. "Hey, why don't you go take a bath, soak out some of those kinks from the day, and I'll make us dinner."

"You can cook? You know, more than sandwiches."

"Yes. I'm a man of many talents. Now go, relax."

Despite the fact it felt weird to have Spike doing anything to help her, Buffy didn't want to pass up this opportunity. She gave him a smile before going to take a bath.

* * *

Spike turned when he heard the bathroom door open. Buffy wore an old football jersey, although Spike could tell when she moved that she had a pair of shorts under it. Her hair was freshly dried, and even with the dark circles under her eyes, he thought she was beautiful. "Dinner's almost ready, pet. Have a seat."

Buffy did as he said, and a few minutes later, Spike set a plate of pasta and chicken with a white cream sauce in front of her. "Try it," Spike said. "Tell me what you think."

Buffy tried the pasta, her eyes widening a little as she did. "This is really good," she said after she swallowed. "I mean, no offense, but I sort of figured you'd be the type who'd burn water."

Spike chuckled, fixing himself a plate and sitting down across from her. "It's all right. I give off that sort of a vibe."

"So what, the leather and the metal jewelry is just a front?'

Spike winked. "Wouldn't you like to know."

Buffy blushed a little, twirling her pasta around her fork. "So, how did you manage to learn how to cook at least one thing?"

"I can cook more than this," Spike said. "And I guess from taking care of Dru. Had to make sure she ate."

"Dru?"

"Drusilla. My ex."

"Oh. Right. I think I heard Giles talking about her a few times."

"Probably about how she'd lead me astray, and how it was her fault I ruined my life," Spike said, poking at a bit of chicken. "I half expected him to gloat when I showed up in California. But I don't regret it, you know. Don't regret anything with her, not even the bad. I loved her. Probably still do."

"What happened?"

Spike shrugged. "She's crazy. Literally. Completely bug-shagging crazy. Used to talk to her little porcelain dolls, say they were tellin' her to do things. Got so bad for a while that I had to take care of her almost entirely. She could barely even get from one room in the flat to the other."

"That sounds like, well, like it would've been a lot of work for you."

"I didn't mind it. She was my dark princess. I'd do anything for her." Spike chuckled bitterly. "Guess the joke was on me in the end. She found someone else, decided she didn't need me anymore. Some bloke who played a soddin' reindeer in this Christmas play. When I met him, he had fiberglass antlers stuck to his head. And hooves. Bleedin' _hooves_. Do you know how humiliating it is to get dumped for a guy with antlers?"

"I can imagine it would be pretty humiliating," Buffy replied.

"But I'm better now. Picking up the pieces of me life. And I certainly don't need her. More pasta?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks." Buffy watched Spike for a moment, realizing she was seeing a different side to him. Since she'd met him at her mother's wedding five years ago, she'd thought of him as being callous and self-absorbed, caring about no one but himself. But now, after hearing that he served as caretaker to an insane woman out of love… "Hey, um, my friends Willow and Tara invited me over to their apartment for dinner Monday. Would you like to come?"

"You'd be willing to let me around your friends? I don't know whether to be touched or just think you really hate them."

"Ha ha. I don't hate them. And besides, they want to meet you."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "What, to put a face to the wanker they've heard so much about?"

"I've said good things about you!" Spike looked at her incredulously. "Okay, only a few. But I have said some."

"All right. I'll meet your friends. I guess I have to do something other than sit around getting drunk every night."

"Great," Buffy said with a smile before turning back to her dinner.

* * *

In response to a few reviews I've gotten—I know things are moving slowly, and that several things are unclear concerning Buffy's past. I said in the beginning that this was going to be a long one, and I meant it. I'll reveal everything eventually, and Spike and Buffy's relationship will evolve. I just ask that you trust me, and let me move the story at my own pace. Thanks!

And as always, remember to review. :)


	6. Chapter Five

"You've forgone the safety pins, I see."

Spike shrugged. "Didn't want to ruin the evening by stabbing one of your mates."

"I appreciate your consideration," Buffy replied with a smirk. She looked over Spike's outfit, noting that he had indeed tweaked his look, replacing his normal ripped clothes and pointy jewelry with black jeans and a red button-down shirt. "You clean up well."

"I do, don't I? Ready to admit what a handsome bloke I am?"

"A bit full of yourself, aren't you?" Spike smiled at her, and Buffy smiled back. Since dinner the other night, she'd relaxed around him, deciding that maybe he wasn't the most horrible roommate she could possibly have.

"Ready to go then, pet?"

"Are you going to behave yourself?"

"Oi! I wore the decent clothes, didn't I?"

"Could just be part of an elaborate plot to lull me into a false sense of security."

"Door. Out. Now."

Buffy smiled at him again before leaving the apartment, Spike trailing behind her.

* * *

"And you must be Spike," Willow said as she opened the door.

Spike nodded. "And you're…Willow?"

"Yep." Buffy and Spike came into the apartment, and Willow shut the door, then gestured to the brunette sitting on the couch. "That's Tara."

"Hi," Tara said with a small wave.

Spike nodded again in response. "Nice to meet you both."

"Is Xander here yet?" Buffy asked.

"He's in the kitchen," Willow replied.

"Alone?"

"Yes."

"You left him alone with the food?!" Buffy playfully slapped her friend on the shoulder. "What were you thinking?"

"I'm not sure," Willow replied with a laugh. "Better go check on dinner—make sure we still have one."

As Willow went back to the kitchen, Buffy joined Tara on the couch. Spike sat in a chair across from them. "How do you like New York?" Tara asked Spike.

"Like it more than California. Too hot there for a London boy such as myself."

Before anyone could say anything else, there was a knock on the door. Tara stood to answer it. "Is someone else supposed to show up?" Buffy asked.

"Anya," Tara replied.

"Willow invited Anya?"

"Actually, I did. I know she has a crush on Xander, and I thought it would be a good time for them to get to know each other. Willow was less than thrilled, but I think they'd make a cute couple." Tara smiled a little before going to the door. As soon as Anya was inside, she asked about Xander.

Buffy leaned over, whispering to Spike. "Anya's my manager at the bakery. She's a little blunt, but she grows on you."

Tara offered to get Xander from the kitchen, and Anya sat on the couch. "Hello Buffy and an extremely blond man I don't know," Anya said.

"Hi, Anya," Buffy replied. "This is Spike."

"Oh, right. Your mother's husband's son. The one who's been staying at your apartment even though you don't want him around. Nice to meet you, Spike."

Buffy reddened despite Spike's chuckle. "Heard you were blunt," Spike said with a grin. "Nice to meet you, too, Anya."

"I believe in always saying what's on your mind. Ooh—there's Xander." Anya got up, ambushing Xander as soon as he left the kitchen.

"That was when you were first here," Buffy said. "I haven't said anything bad about you in…at least a good three or four days."

Spike reached over, patting Buffy's knee. "Don't worry about it. I haven't had all nice things to say about you either."

"Gee, thanks."

"But I think you're all right now. Not nearly as bitchy as I remember you being at the wedding."

"Yeah, like you were Mister Sunshine."

"Look, Buffy, I didn't much care for the fact that my da could love anyone but my mum. I acted like a wanker, I know, but I couldn't see how he could be over her death when I wasn't. I'm sorry. Joyce is a real nice lady, and I do regret being rude to her then."

Buffy blinked. She hadn't thought about it that way then, her sixteen year old existence too untouched by tragedy for her to even being to comprehend what Spike had been going through. Things were different now. "I…I don't think he really got over it either." She reached up, fingering the ring still hanging on a chain beneath her blouse. "You don't get over losing the person you love like that. You…you learn to move on. You have to keep on living, or you'll just lie down and wait until you can join them."

Spike looked at her for a moment as another clue to the mystery of what had changed her so much in five years clicked into place. "Buffy, I…"

Buffy held up her hand. "Don't. I've dealt with it, and I don't want to talk about it."

Spike didn't point out that she certainly didn't seem like she'd dealt with it. He knew prying now wouldn't get him anywhere, and he contemplated for a second calling Dawn and asking her what had happened to her sister in order to satisfy his curiosity, but decided that would be an invasion of Buffy's privacy, and a possible hindrance to the tentative friendship they had been developing should she find out. "Right then."

"So is this the Spike I've heard so much about?"

Buffy and Spike both turned to see Xander standing by the couch, Anya not far from his side. "Yeah, that would be me. And you're Xander, I assume."

The two men shared a look for a moment before Xander shrugged. "Nice not to be the only one in the place without an abundance of estrogen, I suppose." Xander sat next to Buffy, smiling, but still eyeing Spike warily.

"Dunno. I've always rather enjoyed being the only rooster in the hen house." He winked and Anya, making her blush, and Xander sit up a little straighter and glance over at the blonde woman. Spike suppressed a chuckle. Apparently Anya's crush wasn't one-sided…

Tara peeked out of the kitchen then, clearing her throat to get the attention of the people in the living room. "Willow's putting food on the table if anyone wants to eat it."

* * *

Later in the evening, Spike surprised Buffy by agreeing to go with Xander on a beer run. She'd almost said she should go, too, but Anya had whispered, "Let them go. They want time alone to size each other up. It's a man thing."

Buffy soon found herself alone on the couch with Anya as Tara and Willow put the food away, refusing any help from their guests. "He's pretty hot," Anya said, inspecting her nails.

"Xander?" Buffy asked, confused.

"No. Well, Xander's hot, but that's not who I meant. Spike."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess he's okay."

"If I were you, I'd be all over him. It's obvious he wants you."

"Huh?" Buffy's eyes bulged a bit, and she stared at Anya, slack-jawed for a moment. "No, Spike doesn't want me! Are you insane?"

"Please, Buffy. If there are two things in this world I know anything about they're money and men. Spike, falling into the category of 'men,' is fairly easy to interpret. He was watching you the entire meal with that look they get when they want you to give them orgasms."

Buffy's face felt warm as she blushed deeply. "You've got to be reading him wrong, Anya. He's not even remotely interested in me. It doesn't even make any sense that he would be."

"Oh please. It would make less sense if he wasn't. You're an attractive woman, and you're living in close quarters. That's sex waiting to happen."

"But that's…it's…we're practically related!"

"But you're not. You're not even as close to family as Greg and Marsha Brady, and you know they were up to all sorts of things."

"No! And they weren't either. The Brady family was wholesome." Buffy crossed her arms in front of her.

"Oh please. Put that many teens in a house, and someone's having sex. But that's not really the point here."

"What exactly _is_ your point, Anya?"

"That you should go for it with Spike, of course. It would be a shame to pass up a chance with someone that fine."

"A world of no. Spike and I are much better just being roommates. Sex would only…complicate things at best."

Anya shrugged. "Suit yourself. But if you ask me, you're passing up a wonderful opportunity. Anyone with that build has to be worth it."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "He's kinda skinny."

"Don't you know what they say about skinny guys?" Buffy looked blankly at Anya, who rolled her eyes. "Apparently not. Just trust me then—he'd be worth it. And the way he does that little curl thing with his tongue…"

"If he's such a catch, why don't you go after him?" Buffy was surprised as her inner voice screamed "No!" at the thought of Anya and Spike, but she pushed it down.

"No, I'll pass. I have my eye set on someone else."

"Xander?"

"Well, yeah. I'm making my move tonight. I'm sick of waiting for him. It's tiresome, and a waste of time that we could be spending having sex."

"Good luck with that," Buffy replied. She felt relief that Anya didn't seem to want Spike, but ignored that, too.

"Thanks. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow at work."

Buffy smirked. She knew she would.

* * *

"I like your friends."

Buffy looked up, slightly startled as she head Spike speak. She closed the door to their apartment, crossing the kitchen to sit on the couch as he turned on the floor lamp in the living room. "They seemed to like you, too. Anya especially." She added the last part as almost a mutter.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Buffy looked up, studying his face to see how he'd react. "She thinks you're hot."

Spike chuckled. "'Course she does. I am. Noticed she went home with Xander. Bet he's happy, seeing as she's all he talked about when we ducked out for a bit. I'm getting a beer—you want anything from the kitchen?"

"No, I'm fine."

Buffy toed off her shoes and leaned against the back of the couch. She felt satisfied by Spike's seeming disinterest in Anya, but as was becoming her pattern, she chose not to analyze it. "Have you seen anymore of that Harmony girl?"

"A little," Spike replied, coming back over to the couch and sitting down. He took a drink from his beer bottle. "She follows the Dingoes wherever they play. Oz says it's a new development, so she's probably hoping to run into me."

"You haven't brought her back here again."

"You asked me not to."

"But you haven't spent the night anywhere else either."

"You don't have to spend the whole night with someone, pet."

Buffy frowned at the thoughts that statement brought to her mind. The idea of Spike have brief encounters with Harmony disturbed her even more than when she'd known they'd spent the night together on her couch. Something about the whole arrangement seemed cheap to her, and she didn't like the thought of Spike in that sort of relationship. She reminded herself it wasn't any of her business. "I'm tired," she announced, standing up. "Thanks for coming out with me tonight."

"Thanks for wanting me along."

Buffy gave him a brief smile and went into her room, shutting the door.

* * *

When Buffy went into the kitchen the next morning, she noticed the beer Spike had had when they'd gotten home that night had not been his only one. Four empty bottles stood by the microwave. She gathered them up, dumping them in the bag that held the recyclables, the glass clinking against the others that were already in there.

Buffy ran her fingers through her hair, grateful that the only thing she had besides class today was a short afternoon shift at the bakery. The thought of hearing about the sexploits of Xander and Anya didn't thrill her, although she had to admit she was vaguely curious as to how their night went—only not once things got sweaty. That she found more disturbing than anything else.

She glanced back at the couch where Spike was asleep and thought back to what Anya had said the night before. Buffy had dismissed the thought of Spike being attracted to her outright then, but now she found herself wondering if maybe Anya's observations held more merit than Buffy had given them. Was it possible Spike actually _was_ attracted to her?

Buffy shook her head, dismissing that possibility again. Spike didn't want her—a fact for which she was glad. If he liked women like that Harmony, then Buffy wasn't even his type. And she didn't want to be. She wasn't attracted to Spike, she was sure. And even if she was—which she wasn't, she told herself firmly—then any sort of relationship would still be a bad idea. Sex would only complicate things, and any attraction between them would fizzle quickly. Then things would be awkward, to say the least.

No, there wouldn't be anything between them. Buffy made up her mind on that. Anya could think whatever she wanted, but Buffy was set on keeping things between her and her roommate strictly platonic.

With that resolution, Buffy went into the bathroom to get ready for class.

* * *

I know reviews have been sparse on this, but I'm really, really busy. I have a job and five college classes, so fanfic can't be my top priority. I know you guys want updates, and I wish I had the time to make them more regular, but I just don't. No amount of telling me my updates are too slow is going to lighten my work load and give me more time for writing. Sorry about that. But I will work on this and my other fics as often as I can, so don't think I'm neglecting my writing. I just have other things in my life that have to be my priority. And it won't be months and months between posts or anything like that, so don't worry. At the most, it'll be a couple of weeks, and I'll do my best to make that shorter.

Review please!


	7. Chapter Six

Spike had been out when Buffy returned from school that day, and when he got home, he found her sitting on the couch, staring at the wall. Her face was red and splotchy, making it obvious that she had been crying.

"Are you all right, pet" Spike asked, walking over and sitting beside her.

Buffy wiped at her eyes, trying to smile. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. Wanna talk"

"You don't want to hear about my problems, Spike."

"Sure I do. And it helps to talk things out, you know."

Buffy looked at him, the softness and concern on his face making her want to open up to him, even if it was just a little. She'd always held things in, tried to make herself be strong, but at the moment, she wanted to be vulnerable. "It's not even really my problem, I guess. I just…Mom just called."

Spike frowned. "You two had a falling out at some point, didn't you"

"Yes, but that's not what this was about. She just called to tell me that my best friend from junior high and part of high school got sentenced to life in prison today. I haven't really spoken to her since, well, pretty much since she started on the path that led her to prison, but…she used to be my closest friend, you know? We were like sisters. To think about her now, rotting away in some jail cell—even if she did kill a guy—is hard."

"Your mum say what happened"

"Yeah. There was this guy she started hanging with in high school. He was older than her by a lot, and everyone thought they were having some sort of illicit affair. She already had a rep for being, um, less than chaste. But I don't think they were. She told me it wasn't like that, and I believed her. Her parents were horrible, and she was just so desperate to have some sort of parental love in life that she looked past what a sleezeball this guy was. I remember one time when we were first friends, she spent the night at my house. My mom came in to say goodnight, and she hugged both of us. When she hugged Faith, well, she held my mom so tight that for a moment I didn't think she was going to let her go. Even then as a kid, when I didn't really understand how rough things were for her at home, that made my heart hurt for her. She was desperate just to have some _hug_ her, to show even that much affection."

Spike had taken her hand while Buffy was talking, noting that it was shaking. Buffy didn't pull away. "This bloke she fell in with—he the one she killed"

Buffy shook her head. "No. According to the news, it was _for_ him though. He'd gotten into some sort of trouble, and someone was going to turn him into the cops. Faith killed the guy before he could say anything. Wilkins—the bastard—of course went and said that he had nothing to do with it, and that Faith was just a 'very unstable girl.' Tried to pretend that she had some freaky obsession with him, and that he barely even knew her. But then when the truth started coming out, he disappeared—probably left the country. He was everything to her—she _killed_ for him—and he just threw her to the wolves."

Spike rubbed her hand soothingly, and Buffy had the sudden urge to curl up in his arms and beg him to make all the hurting stop. The gentleness in his eyes made her believe for a moment that he could. But she pushed the thought away as foolish. "You know what really gets me" Buffy said after being quiet for a moment. "I feel like I could've helped her. That I should've paid more attention to her spiraling downward in high school. That maybe if I'd been less caught up in my own drama-rama I could've saved her."

"Sometimes you can't save people, Buffy. No matter how hard you try or what you do, some people are just going to keep going down that self-destructive past."

"Why" Buffy asked, the tears coming again. "Why can't I save the people I love? Why do I just get them killed instead"

"Get who killed? This Faith girl isn't dead, is she"

Buffy paled and snatched her hand away from Spike. "I didn't say anything about anyone dying."

"Um, yes you did, pet. You said 'Why do I just get them killed instead?'"

Buffy pulled her knees up to her chest. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Buffy, you need to…"

"No! God, I've done the talking, and the therapy, and none of it fucking helped, all right! So why don't you just mind your own damn business" Buffy got up and went into her bedroom, slamming the door and leaving a stunned Spike on the couch.

Several hours later, Buffy reemerged from her room. Spike could tell that she'd been crying for probably the whole time she'd been in there, and he couldn't bring himself to be upset at her for her earlier outburst.

* * *

"I tried to kill myself."

Spike looked up sharply. "What? Now"

Buffy giggled, although it sounded almost hysterical. "No. After…after graduation. You mentioned earlier about my mom and me having a 'falling out.' That was why. I tried to kill myself, and she sent me to a mental institution. I was there for about a month, and then I came here and went to school. Sorry for my freak attack earlier, but I guess all of this just stirred some stuff up. You're not mad at me, are you"

Spike tried to absorb what she'd just told him. He'd known she had some badness in her past, but he wasn't quite expecting that. And to top it off, he had a feeling that what she'd just told him was only scratching the surface. "No, kitten, I'm not mad."

Buffy smiled, a little too brightly. "Great. Hey, I'm starved, and I _really_ don't feel like cooking. There's a great pizza place nearby that delivers. Wanna splurge a bit"

"Buffy…"

"Spike, really, I'm fine. I just want pizza, okay"

Spike knew that pushing her anymore tonight wouldn't be a good idea. He'd known that Buffy was emotionally fragile despite her attempts to convince the world around her otherwise, but now he realized more to what extent that fragility went. And if there'd been a suicide attempt, well, trying to force things out of her probably wouldn't be a good idea. "Pizza it is then. My treat."

"You don't have to…"

"I know, but I want to." Spike gave her a grin that made Buffy forget for a moment that she'd even been depressed. "So, Miss Summers, what do you like on your pizza"

* * *

Buffy and Spike sat on the floor of the living room, the mostly-empty pizza box between them. "So" Buffy asked, wiping grease off her fingers with a napkin"How exactly did you end up with a nickname like Spike anyway"

Spike swallowed the bite of pizza he'd been chewing. "Oh, that. From torturing my victims with railroad spikes" he replied casually.

Buffy gaped for a moment. "You are kidding, right"

Spike did his best evil smirk. "Would you sleep better with me in the apartment if I said yes"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You are such a freak. And you're not going to tell me about the nickname are you"

"Nope."

"Jerk" Buffy muttered, reaching for another slice.

"Oi! Heard that."

"I meant you to." Spike's napkin flew from his hand across to her, bumping lightly against her forehead before tumbling to the ground. "Hey! I upgrade that jerk to a, um, super jerk." Spike raised an eyebrow, and Buffy couldn't help but start laughing.

Spike smiled, loving the way she sounded when she laughed. It was a sound he rarely heard, and it was beautiful. "Think you could hand me my napkin back" he asked.

"No way. This thing is a weapon in your hands, mister" Buffy replied, wagging the rumpled paper napkin at him.

"Fine" Spike said with a shrug. "I'll just wipe my hands on your carpet."

"Oh no you don't" Buffy replied, throwing the napkin back at him. "There. Just greasy hands off the carpet."

They went back to their dinner, and after a moment, Buffy put her half-eaten pizza slice on her plate, her mood obviously becoming somber again as she picked at the toppings. "Something wrong" Spike asked.

"I…I was thinking about Faith" Buffy said. "She doesn't get to do this anymore. She's in a cell right now, all alone in the world. She can't sit with a friend and eat pizza and goof off. Even if she manages to make parole in who knows how many years, she'll never be the same. Her life is ruined. Forever."

"That isn't your fault. There's nothing you could've done. _Nothing_. You didn't force her to listen to that guy, and you certainly didn't put the weapon in her hand and set her off to kill anyone."

"It's just, well, what if I had done things differently? What if I gotten my mom to let her stay with us, given her a chance at a normal life? Would she be in prison right now? Or would she be here with us, laughing, too"

"You can't beat yourself up over the past, Buffy. It's useless—nothing about it will ever change. Just wasted energy."

"But what if there's something in your past so bad that you can't help but beat yourself up over it, Spike? Then what? What if there's something so horrible there that it tears at you constantly, shadowing everything you do until you just can't stand it anymore? How can you live with that"

"This isn't just about Faith, is it"

Buffy stood up. "I'm going to bed. Can you clean up"

"Buffy…"

Buffy didn't listen to him, only going into her room, shutting him out again. Spike sighed and started cleaning up what was left from dinner.

* * *

He could hear her crying. It was soft, muffled, but he could hear it nonetheless. Spike sat on the couch, willing himself not to go to Buffy. She obviously didn't want him coming into that part of her life, despite the small bit of opening up she'd done.

As the sound of her tears got louder, Spike couldn't take it anymore. He went into her room without a word, getting into the bed with her and wrapping his arms around her. Buffy stiffened for only a moment before she let herself be held, sobbing against Spike's chest. He smoothed her hair, murmuring soft words to her until the tears died down and she fell asleep in his arms.

* * *

Spike woke when he felt Buffy scrambling to get out of his embrace. She sat up, a wild look on her face, and he wondered for a moment if she was going to hit him. But then realization seemed to set in, and she relaxed a little. "Didn't expect to wake up next to you" she said. "Made me a little…disoriented."

"I noticed" Spike replied, sitting up as well. He tried to push down his hair, knowing it had to be a mess.

Buffy's tongue darted out to lick her lips as she saw him run his fingers though his sexy, tousled curls. She shook her head, pushing those thoughts back to the part of her mind marked "denial" where she had decided to keep them. "I'm really sorry about last night, Spike. I don't know what got into me."

"Your friend got sentenced to life in prison, Buffy. That entitles you to a little bit of freaking out." Spike gave her a soft smile.

"Still… Thank you for being so nice to me—and for helping me fall asleep. You didn't have to do that."

"Sure I did. What sort of friend would I be if I just left you in here by yourself to cry all night"

Buffy smiled, looking down to escape the intensity of his eyes. "I…I know I was a bitch at first, but I'm glad you're here, Spike. And not just because I have groceries now."

"Even if all I was to you was a little more money coming in, I'd be happy to be that. And hey, I found out yesterday that Devon is officially out of the Dingoes, and I'm officially in, so I should be able to help out more with the bills now. They get booked fairly regularly."

"That's great" Buffy said, looking back up at him. "And not just the bills thing, although yeah, that's gonna be nice, but that you found a band to play with."

"Yeah, I'm happy about it. And they're willing to look at some of my songs and think about adding them to their shows, so that's a plus for me, too."

"You write songs"

To Buffy's surprise, Spike blushed slightly. "Some. I…I could use a lot of work on them, but some are decent."

"I'm sure they're better than decent" Buffy said, playfully slapping his arm. "Think maybe you could play some of them for me sometime"

"Maybe" Spike said.

"What, so you're willing to play them in front of a room full of strangers, but not me"

"Exactly. Your opinion means much more to me than a stranger's."

"It does"

"Well, yeah. I care what you think."

Buffy looked at him for a moment, wondering when exactly he'd gone from someone she barely tolerated to a friend. He'd shown her a softness below all his tough-guy exterior, and she'd found it impossible not to warm up to him. She glanced over at the clock, frowning at the time. "Dammit, I missed my first class."

"You probably needed the sleep" Spike said. "I wouldn't worry about it too much."

"Yeah, but it was with Walsh, the bitch professor from hell." Buffy sighed. "I better get ready before I miss the next one, too."

"You sure you're up to it"

Buffy forced a smile. "I'm fine, really. Yeah, hearing about Faith got me all wigged, but I'm good now."

Spike didn't believe her for a second, but he didn't want to do something that would cause another breakdown either. "All right. I'll go back to the couch and let you get ready then."

Buffy nodded. As Spike stood up, she said"Thanks again for everything last night. That…meant a lot to me."

"Just glad I could be here" Spike replied before leaving her alone in the bedroom.

* * *

Sorry this one's so short, but it was sort of draining to write. Leave me a review and let me know what's on your mind. 


	8. Chapter Seven

"Wow, Buffy. That's really…well, freaky. I mean, it would freak me out if I was in your shoes," Willow said after Buffy had used a lull during work to relate to the redhead the story of Faith.

Buffy shrugged. "It's no big. I mean, I guess it is for Faith—and that guy she killed—but, I mean, I haven't seen her since she dropped out of school at the beginning of our junior year. And we hadn't really been hanging much before that either."

"Still, your former best friend going to prison…"

"She made some bad choices, and now she's dealing with the consequences," Buffy said as she grabbed a rag and stared to wipe off the counter. "But hey, on a good note, Spike hooked up with a band, so there will now be more money coming into my household."

Willow raised an eyebrow. "Spike's an official part of your household now"

"Uh, well, it's not like his name's on the lease or anything, but he doesn't act like he's going anywhere soon. He might as well help with the paying of the bills."

"That all?" Willow nudged Buffy's arm. "I saw you two at my apartment the other night."

"That's because we were both there. If you hadn't seen us, you would've been blind."

"No, silly." Willow leaned down, whispering almost conspiratorially. "The sparkage."

Buffy's eyes widened. "Sparkage? There was no sparkage! As a matter of fact, there was the opposite of sparkage! There was negative sparkage!"

Willow held up her hands. "Fine, be denial girl if you want to be, but I saw sparkage—especially when we were eating dinner. Tara saw it, too."

"You're both insane."

The door opened, and Willow and Buffy looked up. They relaxed when they saw it wasn't a customer but Anya, who immediately came towards the counter, fixing her hair as she did. "Anya Jenkins—late? Is the world ending?" Buffy asked, grateful for the distraction from the turn her conversation with Willow had taken.

"I had car trouble," Anya replied as she came behind the counter.

"Uh, you don't have a car," Willow pointed out.

Anya rolled her eyes. "I had trouble in a car then."

"What sort of trouble?" Buffy asked.

"Okay, fine. I had sex in a car. I met Xander when he had a break between classes, and we sort of lost track of time." Anya glanced around. "Is Rat Man here?"

"Nah, Snyder hasn't shown," Buffy replied.

"We were kinda hoping he died," Willow added.

"I had a dream he was eaten by a giant snake," Buffy said perkily. "We were pulling for it to turn out to be prophetic."

"That's something even _I'd_ willing fork over money to see," Anya said. "He drives me crazy with his inability to properly and efficiently run a money-making operation. That, and his beady little eyes disturb me. I can't wait until I have everything settled enough to start my own business."

"How are things coming with that?" Buffy asked.

"Good. I think the bank's actually going to approve my loan, _and_ I've found a space I'll be able to afford. If everything goes smoothly, I should soon have joined the proud ranks of the American small business owners."

"And you'll remember us when you're Snyder-free, right?" Willow asked with a smile.

"Of course," Anya replied, putting one arm around Willow and the other around Buffy. "Who would I want working for me but my two favorite girls?" Anya giggled, pulling back from them. "Well, I'm off to balance the books. Have fun selling food" Anya went into the back office, shutting the door behind her.

"Wow, she's in a good mood," Willow said once she and Buffy were alone again. "She didn't even rant about the lack of customers in here."

"I know," Buffy replied. "Maybe she should have sex before work every day."

"With Xander and his libido, that can probably be arranged." Willow shuddered. "And I really don't want to go there."

"Neither do I, but if they're happy, I'm happy for them."

"It may not be the match I would have envisioned him making, but I like it when my friends are happily attached," Willow said, giving Buffy a pointed look.

"What? I'm happily _unattached_, thank you very much. Besides, it's not like I have any worthwhile prospects anyway."

"Whatever you say, oh denier of Spike sparkage. And even if he doesn't do it for you, there's still Riley. You can't tell me you haven't been at least a little tempted by his offers."

Buffy sighed. "Yeah, Riley can be rather…tempting, but I just don't know, Will. He's very nice, and I've been tempted by the nice before—it didn't end well."

"You mean Parker? That was years ago, and I know Riley can't be that much of a jerk."

"Parker and, well, other things. I had a relationship in high school that didn't end well."

Willow nodded. She knew something had happened to Buffy back in California, but she'd learned in her time as Buffy's friend not to pry. It only made Buffy shut down more. "Maybe Riley could help you move on," Willow suggested. "He really is a good guy, Buffy."

"I know, it's just… Customer!" A man walked in, and Buffy put on her best "may I help you" smile as she went over to the register, effectively putting an end to the conversation.

* * *

Buffy walked straight to the couch as soon as she got home, flopping down ungracefully. "Long day?" Spike asked from beside her. Buffy grunted. "I'll take that as a yes."

"I want to curl up and sleep for a month. Ooh, maybe a year. Or better yet, maybe I can learn Rip Van Winkle's secret. God, I hate it when I'm stuck working both jobs on the same day."

"Are you hungry? There are some leftovers in the fridge I could heat up for you."

"Would you really? I'm starved."

"Sure thing, kitten. You just relax, and I'll get you all fixed up."

"I'm going to change out of this horrible uniform they make me wear, and I'll be back in a minute," Buffy said. "That is, if I can get my legs to work."

Spike stood, holding his hand out to her. "Come on, princess. To your feet."

"My painful, swollen feet," Buffy muttered, taking his hand. As Spike pulled her up, she wobbled slightly, falling forward against him. Spike slipped an arm behind her to keep her from falling backwards, too, managing to pin her against his chest in the process. Buffy stared up at him, her eyes wide. She could feel his warmth even with their clothes between them, and her heart started beating rapidly.

To either her relief or disappointment—she wasn't sure which—Spike set her upright again and let go of her. "Careful there, pet. Don't want to hurt yourself."

"It was just a little stumble. No big."

"All right then. You go change, and I'll get your dinner."

Buffy nodded and went into her room. As soon as the door was shut, Spike let out a deep breath. Two seconds of Buffy in his arms, and his nerves were going haywire. She'd looked up at him with her big green eyes, and it had taken all his willpower not to kiss her senseless. He knew he shouldn't be feeling this way towards her, but he couldn't help it. She was so strong, yet vulnerable at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make her pain go away, to give her everything she could ever need.

"That's the same kind of thinking that got you hurt with Drusilla, mate," he muttered to himself. "You opened your heart to her, and she tore it out."

Spike rolled his eyes, realizing that Buffy not only had his emotions in a tizzy, but she was also causing him to talk to himself. He sighed and went to the fridge, pulling out the Tupperware containers with the leftovers from the meal he'd cooked earlier in the week.

* * *

After dinner, Buffy and Spike returned to the couch, settling on some mindless television to watch. Spike could see the circles under her eyes, exhaustion written clearly on her features. "Feet still hurting you, luv?" he asked.

"A little," Buffy replied. "They're letting me know they did _not_ approve of the amount of standing I did today."

Spike patted his lap. "Swing 'em up here."

"Huh?"

"Would you just trust me?"

At that, Buffy did as he asked without any further argument, and Spike took one of her feet in his hands, massaging it gently. Buffy sighed happily. "You're really good at that," she said.

"It's a useful skill," Spike replied, smiling at the look of bliss on Buffy's face. "This helping you, pet?"

"Yes. Thank you."

Spike switched to the other foot, giving it the same treatment. "I give a pretty damn good back rub, too."

"Really? I might have to take you up on that sometime."

"Anytime you want, these hands are yours."

Spike's words and the look he was giving her made Buffy's stomach flip. Why did he have to be so damn sexy? This would be so much easier on her if he looked like say, Peter Lorre. But no. He had to be gorgeous. Wait…when had she decided Spike equaled gorgeous? Buffy frowned.

"Something the matter?" Spike asked.

"No. I was just…thinking."

"This isn't making you uncomfortable, is it?"

"No, not at all," Buffy replied. And honestly, it wasn't. The problem was it was making her a little _too_ comfortable.

After a moment, Spike stopped. "Better now?"

"Very. Thanks."

"Just glad I could help."

Buffy moved her feet off Spike's lap, noticing how much better they really did feel. The thought "magic hands" went through her mind before an image of what other "magic" they could be capable of flashed through her mind, and she had to look down to hide her blush. She couldn't believe she was having these thoughts about Spike. She decided to blame Willow and her damn "sparkage" claims. It was just her mind reacting to that conversation. Nothing more.

Spike stretched his arms up, resting his hands behind his head as he watching the television. His new position pulled his shirt taut over his chest, and Buffy could see each one of his muscles clearly defined. Her mouth went dry as her fingers itched to touch him.

This was bad, Buffy decided. Very, very bad. She stood up, forcing a yawn. "Well, I'm beat. See you in the morning."

"Rushing off so soon?"

"It's late. I have to work tomorrow. Have a good night, Spike."

"Sleep well, Buffy."

Buffy gave him a nod and practically ran into her room. As soon as she was safely inside, she sat on her bed, taking a deep breath. She forced herself to calm down, reminding herself that it was just Spike. No need to get worked up.

She turned off the light and got under the covers, fighting her thoughts until she finally went to sleep.

* * *

The sounds coming from Buffy's room were soft, but Spike knew they were what had woken him. He went to the door, opening it slowly and peaking in. Light trickled in from a streetlamp outside the window, and he could see the tears streaming down Buffy's cheeks as she tossed and whimpered in her sleep.

Spike went to the bed, sitting on the edge and shaking her gently. When she didn't wake, he pulled her up so she was sitting, his hands on her shoulders. Buffy's eyes snapped open, her look wild and confused. She blinked as she became aware of her surroundings. "Sp…Spike?"

"Yeah. You were having a bad dream, pet."

Buffy sniffled. "It wasn't just a dream," she said softly. "It…it…" He voice trailed off as she began to cry again, slumping forward on Spike's chest.

Spike held her loosely against him, rubbing her back as he whispered softly against her ear. When the sobs wracking her tiny body finally subsided, her lowered her back down to the bed, tucking the blankets around her. "Are you going to be okay, luv" he asked, wiping her tears away with his thumb.

"I…I don't know." Her voice was small and scared, and Spike wanted more than anything to be able to take her pain away, whatever was causing it. "Could you maybe hold me? Like you did last night?"

"Of course, Buffy. Whatever you need." Spike got into bed next to her, opening his arms to her. Buffy moved into his embrace without hesitation, burying her face against his chest as she cried. Spike held her tightly, trying to be strong for her when she felt weak. "I'm here, Buffy," he said softly, pressing gentle kisses into her hair. "You don't have to be alone anymore."

Buffy shook at his words, her grip around him tightening. "It…it hurts so much," she said. "So much…"

"I know, luv. I know. Let it all out. I won't let you go."

Buffy did as he told her to, crying against him until she was too tired to cry anymore. Still clinging to him, she fell asleep.

* * *

If you're reading this, please review. It would be very much appreciated. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far! 


	9. Chapter Eight

Buffy didn't know when sleeping next to Spike had become a habit, didn't know when it had become simply an assumption that he would share her bed at night. He'd climb in beside her without a word spoken between them, and she'd let herself be drawn into his arms. If he was out playing with the band when she went to bed, she could only manage at best an uneasy sleep—until he joined her again. Then she could sleep soundly, the tears and nightmares melting away in his soothing embrace.

She wasn't sure when it had started, but she knew when she noticed it. Buffy woke one work-free Sunday afternoon to find Spike watching her. One of her legs was thrown over his hip, and his arm was casually draped around her waist. She realized that despite the intimacy of their position, it was familiar. She was wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and panties—which were showing as the t-shirt rode up the leg draped over him. He was wearing an old pair of sweatpants, his chest bare and pressed against her. He hadn't styled his hair since the time he'd showered, and the curls were free, softening his usual bad boy look. Still, she was comfortable here with him like this, and that made her realize how normal this had become.

Buffy wasn't sure how long he'd been awake, but she got the feeling it had been a while. Suddenly, she became aware of how exactly she was pressed up against him—and what effect it was having on him. Her heart started to beat faster, loud enough to drown out any warnings in the back of her mind that she shouldn't let him be this close.

Spike reached out slowly until the tips of his fingers were barely resting on her cheek. Buffy shivered at his ghost of a touch. She looked into his eyes and realized that she couldn't have moved away, even if she wanted to. The intensity of his gaze had her locked in place. When she didn't pull back, Spike trailed his fingers up her cheek, then up to run them through her hair. Buffy's breathing became more labored, her heart now hammering in her chest. She felt fear warring with her desire, but she was frozen.

Then, he spoke for the first time that morning. "I'm going to kiss you, Buffy."

There it was. Her out. He paused after he spoke, giving her ample time to get away if she wanted. She didn't. She stayed in place even as he moved closer, his breath mingling with hers as his lips fell to hers. The kiss was gentle at first, exploratory, but soon it grew in passion until their tongues were dueling, allowing them to taste each other. Buffy wrapped her arms tightly around him, needing something to ground her as the world spun around her. She didn't remember the last time she'd been kissed like this.

She didn't think she'd ever been kissed like this…

And then it hit her. She was doing what she'd sworn she wasn't going to do. It wasn't safe. She couldn't take this chance. She'd been down this road before, and she knew where it led. She pushed him away.

Spike blinked, taken aback at the sudden violence as Buffy fought to get away from him. He let her go.

Buffy ran into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. She grabbed on to the edge of the counter, breathing quickly and sporadically. How had she let this happen? If she thought about it, she barely even knew Spike. He'd been in her life—in her home—for about a month. He'd been in her bed for a couple of weeks, and Buffy knew now she'd let him get too close. She wouldn't let anyone in like that, not after all that had happened.

She reached up, fingers grazing against the ring she wore on the chain around her neck. She'd opened up to someone before, let him into her life, her body, her soul. In the end, it had almost broken her. She wouldn't go through it again, wouldn't allow herself to fall for someone like that. She couldn't take another heartache. As it was, she was barely hanging on. She did her best to present herself as strong to the world, but she knew that when she'd broken, she hadn't been able to put the pieces back together they way they'd been before. There were still cracks.

Her hand went from the Claddagh to her lips. They still tingled from the kiss she'd shared with Spike. From the first touch, she'd felt a spark shoot through her, electrifying her, making her feel alive. But as wonderful as it had felt for that brief moment, it had scared her, too. It was too familiar, too much like when she'd let herself fall before. She'd learned that with a fire that hot, all you got was burned.

She shook her head, forcing back tears. She wouldn't do it, wouldn't risk it. She'd do whatever it took to keep herself safe.

She had to.

* * *

Spike lay on the bed, stunned by what had just happened. He hadn't planned on kissing Buffy, but she'd seemed receptive, and he'd made the decision to act on the desire he'd felt since the first time he saw her five years ago. For a few glorious moments, he'd had her, felt her in his arms. Then suddenly, she'd taken it all away. Without a word, she'd changed completely, running way from him as if his touch was the last thing in the world she could ever want. 

He heard the shower turn on and stood up, angrily untangling the sheets from around his legs when they tried to trip him up and throwing them in a wad on the bed. He'd had his fill of her closed off behavior. She would let him in for a moment—turn to him for support—then shut herself off again. He'd tolerated it for a while now, but his patience was wearing thin. She was either going to let him in or she wasn't. He needed her to make up her mind.

When Buffy finally came out of the bathroom, Spike walked into the living room, stalking towards her. "We need to talk."

Buffy's eyes widened, and she tightened her robe around her. "No, we don't. There's nothing to talk about."

"We kissed, Buffy."

"It was a mistake."

Spike's jaw ticked, and Buffy could tell he was fighting the urge to yell at her. "Didn't feel like a mistake."

"Maybe for you." Buffy brushed past him, going into the bedroom to get dressed.

Spike didn't let it end there. He followed her, ignoring her indignant glare. "You can't just shut me out, Buffy."

"I'm not!"

"Yes, you are! You ran off, and now you won't talk to me at all!"

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "Fine. We'll talk. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come from us making with the smoochies."

Spike moved closer to her, like an animal stalking its prey. "Felt pretty good to me," he said, his voice a low rumble.

Buffy almost forgot why she was pushing him away, but she quickly regained her senses. "No… It's not a good idea, Spike. Not good at all."

Spike crossed his arms in front of him. "Convince me."

Buffy sighed, wishing he wouldn't make this so difficult. "What if things don't work out?"

"What?"

"We're roommates, Spike. What if we start this, and things go wrong? It would be awkward."

"If that happened, we'd find a way to deal."

"Our parents are married," Buffy said, her tone making it obviously that she was simply trying to come up with whatever she could think of to "convince" Spike. "That would be majorly weird."

"You're not my sister. I've never thought of you like that. I really don't care who my father is married to, and honestly, I don't think you do either."

"I do! Us together is just wrong!"

"Do you think of me as your brother?"

Buffy was silent for a moment as she contemplated how to answer. If she said yes, he might let this all drop. She could be free from her feelings. But she couldn't bring herself to say it. Even the thought of pretending that was the truth disturbed her. "Look, I said I didn't want this. Just let that be enough and stop harassing me about it."

"Buffy…"

"Leave me alone, Spike. Just leave me alone."

Spike moved away from her. "Fine." He left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Buffy sat down on the bed. Why couldn't he just let things be like they were? Why did he have to complicate it with wanting more?

Buffy frowned. She knew the answer to that question. He was feeling the same thing she was. But he didn't realize what a mistake it would be. She did. She couldn't let it happen. She got up and dressed.

As soon as she was presentable, she went to the door, her hand stopping before she turned the knob. Could she honestly go out there now and pretend like everything was okay? She went back to her bed, sitting against the pillows.

It didn't take her long to get bored. She picked up a book she was reading for class, but she couldn't concentrate on the words, not with him so close. Frustrated, she threw the book down and put on her shoes.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy stepped out into the living room. Spike was sitting on the couch, an open beer bottle resting between his legs. "I'm going to the library," Buffy announced.

"I don't care where you go, Buffy."

As much as Buffy hated to admit it, his words and his refusal to look at her hurt. "Fine. See you later."

"Whatever."

Buffy grabbed her things off the table and left the apartment.

* * *

Buffy couldn't find any solace in the library either. It was too quiet, nothing to distract her from her thoughts. She kept replaying the kiss with Spike over and over, unable to force it to the back of her mind. But she couldn't let herself go there. It would be dangerous. 

"Is this seat taken?"

Buffy looked up to see Riley standing on the other side of the small study table. "Uh, no. Have a seat."

Riley gave her a grin that reminded her a little of a boy scout. "Thanks. So, um, what brings you to the library?"

"Books."

"Yeah, they have them here." Riley winced. "That was lame, I know."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Just a little."

"Hey, you want to get some coffee? I know you said you weren't interested in dating before, and I'm not trying to push you into that, so don't worry. You just look like you could use some coffee."

Buffy thought about it for a moment. She could use some coffee. Preferably of the Irish variety, but she doubted that was what Riley was offering. And Riley…he was safe. He didn't make her feel like he could turn her whole world upside down. She shut the book she hadn't really been reading anyway. "I would love some coffee."

Riley smiled again. "Great! Let's go then."

* * *

:ducks: Please don't hurt me! It'll be okay, I promise! 

Also, I've started an update list. I'll let you know what's updated where, and when a fic gets finished and added to my page. There's a link on my profile for signing up.

I'd love some reviews…just nothing too hate-filled, please! lol


	10. Chapter Nine

Buffy sat across from Riley in a cozy booth. Her hands were wrapped around an oversized coffee mug, and she wondered who had been the first person to have the idea to put coffee in such large cups. Wouldn't it make more sense just to have mugs be taller? It wasn't easy to drink anything when the cup was almost the size of your whole face and it took two hands just to grasp it. Besides, she was always afraid she'd drop it, and that much coffee would just ruin an outfit. Wearing light colored clothes and drinking coffee from an enormous mug was just…

Buffy's chain of thought came to an abrupt stop when she remembered Riley was talking to her. She tuned back in to the one-sided conversation, realizing he was still talking about the same subject he'd been on when her mind had drifted off, and he was apparently oblivious to the fact she hadn't been listening. She had never realized that Iowa could be the topic of such a long monologue. Before today, she'd though it was nothing but corn, but now she realized it was also home to Mrs. Finn's award-winning pies.

His childhood sounded so stereotypically normal, like he'd lived inside a show Buffy would flip past on TV Land. His father stayed and supported his family while his mother worked towards having the perfect household. No painful divorce, no stay in a mental institution. All smiles and farms and pies. This guy was the very portrait of stability.

So he didn't make her knees weak or her head swoon. He didn't make her feel like she'd die if she wasn't with him. Buffy decided that had to be a good thing. What did that sort of thing lead to anyway? Pain, heartache, and loneliness. Wasn't it the wiser choice to go for something safe and dependable?

Buffy also knew if she didn't do something soon, she wouldn't be able to stop things with Spike. She was too drawn to him, and she needed a deterrent. She needed someone who could show her how much better off she was when she was safe. "I've changed my mind," she blurted out.

Riley stopped in mid-sentence. "Huh?"

"You told me to let you know if I changed my mind about dating you, and I have—unless it's too late that is."

"It's not too late at all," Riley said, his bewildered expression quickly turning to a smile. "What made you change your answer?"

"I realized I wasn't really giving you a fair shot. I've been burned in the past, and it's made me shy away from dating. But you seem like a really nice guy, and there's no reason why I shouldn't give you a chance."

Riley reached across the table and placed his hand over Buffy's. All she could think was how small he made her hand look. No tingles, no mix of emotions making her feel like she could fly and fall at the same time. It was only another hand on top of her own. "I won't make you regret this, Buffy," he told her. "You're a very special lady and you deserve to be treated that way."

"I'm free tomorrow nigh if that's good for you."

Riley grinned, moving their hands so they were resting together in the center of the table. Buffy wondered if he'd keep them there because it would be difficult for her to pick up her coffee one-handed. "I'm free tomorrow. When's a good time for me to pick you up?"

"You don't have to pick me up. I can just meet you somewhere."

Riley gave her hand a squeeze. "Nonsense. I pride myself too much on being a gentleman not to pick you up _and_ make sure you get home safely."

"Well, how does eight-thirty sound then?"

Riley's grin broadened. "It sounds perfect."

* * *

It was dark as Spike stumbled into the apartment, but he didn't think to turn on the light. Instead, he went right for Buffy's bedroom, habit telling him that's where he should be. He grasped the handle, but it didn't turn. Frowning, Spike shook it. Was it broken?

No, something in his mind told him. Not broken. _Locked_. The memory he'd spent all night trying to forget broke through the haze then and reminded him that Buffy didn't want him in there. He'd been a stupid git, taken things too far, and now she didn't want him to hold her anymore. Just sleeping with her in his arms had been among the most wonderful experiences of his life, and he'd gone and ruined it.

But she'd known he was going to kiss her. He'd told her, and she'd let him. If she hadn't wanted him, why didn't she push him away to begin with?

He found his way back to the couch, lying down and staring up at the shadowed ceiling. Harmony had offered to take him home that night. He could've been in her bed instead of this lumpy couch, could've woken up next to a woman he knew wouldn't reject him in the morning.

He hadn't been able to go with her. Not that the idea of easy sex wasn't appealing, but he hadn't wanted to leave Buffy alone all night. What if she had a nightmare that was too much for her to handle and she needed him? What if she unlocked the door and came looking for him, needing him to hold her until he could dull the pain? He'd never forgive himself if that happened and he was with Harmony. Buffy could need him…

Spike stayed awake for as long as he could, trying to listen for any sound that could mean Buffy was hurting, but it wasn't long until the night caught up with him and consciousness slipped away.

* * *

When Buffy woke up the next morning, she found Spike passed out on the couch, much the way he had been in the early days of their living arrangement. Things had gone back to the way they were before she'd made the mistake of letting him too close. If she was lucky, they'd stay this way, and Buffy could have her life back. It should be a relief.

Buffy watched Spike, a frown tugging at her mouth. It _should_ be a relief. So why wasn't it?

* * *

Spike watched with a growing sense of dread as Buffy flitted between her bedroom and the bathroom, obviously getting ready to go somewhere. She kept her work schedule on a calendar by the fridge so he knew it was her night off. Besides, she wore a uniform to work—and didn't put this much of an effort into her hair. He could see her reflection in the bathroom mirror from his position on the couch, and she was painstakingly styling it with a curling iron. He knew she could be going out with one of her friends, Willow maybe, but somehow he doubted it.

He had a sinking feeling in his stomach that was telling him she had a date. They hadn't talked since the previous morning, and the thought that she was so quickly jumping to someone else made him either sad or angry, he wasn't sure which. Possibly both.

When Buffy finished her hair and started towards the bedroom again, Spike stood and walked over to her, taking her by the arm. "Where are you going?"

Buffy pulled away. "It's not any of your business. You're gone all the time, and I never question you."

"That's different. I'm working."

"Is Harmony work?"

Spike decided not to broach that subject again with her. "I just want to know what's going on, Buffy. You shut me down, but you can go out with someone else the next day?"

"I never said anything about having a date, Spike."

"I'm not an idiot, Buffy. I can tell when a woman is getting ready for a date."

Buffy put her hands on her hips and jutted her chin out defiantly. "So what if I am? It's none of your business anyway."

Spike moved closer to her, and Buffy felt her body temperature rise. It wasn't fair that he could do this to her so easily. Her body should recognize his dangerousness as much as her mind did. "We have something here, Buffy," Spike said, his sensual voice rolling over her. "Heat…desire. You can't deny it."

"No," Buffy replied, trying to keep her voice steady but knowing she was failing. "This is wrong. _We're_ wrong."

"No, we're not." Spike trailed his finger down her cheek, and Buffy gasped. "We could be so right, kitten. So very, very right."

He leaned in, and Buffy knew he was about to kiss her. Her whole body was trembling, and she wanted nothing more than to feel his lips against hers again. His eyes, his mouth, god, that face… And his body… She wanted him in with an intensity she'd never felt before.

But this was the wrong thing to do. It would get her hurt again, and she didn't have enough strength left in her for that. She stepped back. "No. This is _wrong_. You're…you're like my brother." There, she'd said it. It was untrue, but if it would protect her, then she'd claim it wasn't.

Spike narrowed his eyes as he moved away from her. "Fine. Go get ready for your date, _sis_."

Buffy cringed. This felt wrong, too. It was just all wrong, and she didn't know where to go. Either way she felt like she was being ripped apart. She tried to think of something, anything to say to make it all right. This with Riley was supposed to ease her pain, not make it worse. She turned away from Spike, ducking back into the safety of her room.

* * *

Spike knew the knock at the door was the date. He got up immediately, stalking towards the door to see the pillock who was daring to take out his Buffy. He shook his head. Not "his" Buffy. That was the problem, after all.

Buffy ran from her bedroom trying to beat Spike to the door, but she was too late. Spike opened up to Riley, and smirked. "Well, let's get a look at the boy," he said, his body language conveying anything but insecurity at Riley's superior size. If anything, it was Riley who looked nervous.

Buffy pushed Spike out of the way. "Hey, Riley. Sorry, I was just finishing getting ready."

Riley glanced nervously at Spike before smiling at Buffy. "Wow. You look…great."

Buffy blushed and accepted his compliment. Spike narrowed her eyes. She did look great—and it was all for an oversized git with a poncey name like Riley. "You better not keep her out too late, _mate_," Spike said, giving Riley his most menacing look.

"Um, and you are…?" Riley asked.

Spike stuck out his hand. "Folks call me Spike. I'm her brother." He grinned, making sure the expression was more scary than friendly.

Riley shook Spike's hand cautiously. "Um, nice to meet you…Spike. I didn't know Buffy had a brother."

"Oh the family doesn't talk about me much."

Spike could almost see Riley holding back the statement "I can see why." Let Riley fear him. Maybe it would keep him from touching Buffy.

"We should go, Riley," Buffy said, watching Spike from the corner of her eye. Why was he doing this to her? Couldn't he just accept that she wasn't going to let anything happen between them?

"Don't keep her out too late," Spike said, hands crossed over his chest. "And make sure you keep your busy hands to yourself."

"I'm never anything but a perfect gentleman," Riley said. "You can trust Buffy with me."

Spike narrowed his eyes. Like hell he could. He wouldn't trust Buffy with the bloody pope, never mind this guy. "You just bring her back the way you found her."

Buffy shot Spike a look. "We're going now," she informed him. "Have a good night."

"Yeah, you, too," Spike replied, making his sarcasm evident.

Buffy linked her arm with Riley's and led him out into the hall, shutting the door behind them. She could feel Spike glaring at them through the wood, and she let out a deep shaky breath as she walked away with Riley.

"Is your brother always that protective?"

"He's just…he doesn't have a lot of social skills. Can we possibly not talk about him?"

"Whatever you want, princess," Riley said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

Buffy smiled at Riley wishing she wasn't suddenly feeling guilty.

* * *

Just so everyone's clear, I'm not a closet Buffy/Riley shipper who has been posting Spuffy fics to throw everyone off my trail and now I'm gonna bust out with the Rileyness. There's a tiny bit of Riley stuff coming up in the next few chapters, but nothing too major, I swear. And if I can suffer through writing it, you can sit tight and read it. lol 


	11. Chapter Ten

Buffy knew that the last subject that should be on her mind while she was on a date with Riley was Spike. She should be listening to Riley's very amusing anecdote about whatever it was he was currently talking about. Possibly something about…cheese? But her mind kept replaying the scene at the door with Spike, and something inside her was telling her she should feel guilty about it. But why? It wasn't as if she owed Spike anything. She'd offered him her home, not her heart.

She laughed at something Riley said, although she wasn't sure what exactly. It had merely seemed to be the proper social response at the time, and he appeared pleased that she'd given it. She wondered if she could do the whole night like this, feigning interest the way she had at the coffee shop. The way her mind was still reeling because of Spike she wasn't sure she could concentrate on much else. She knew that made her a horrible date, but…

"So what's life like for you back home?"

_Dammit_... Now she had to be part of the conversation. She sighed internally, realizing she wasn't really being fair to Riley. She had chosen to go on this date, which meant, of course, that she wanted to be there. She should be more of an active participant. She started to answer, and then had a moment of panic as she did a quick compare of her life to Riley's. What would he think of her if he knew how messed up things had gotten for her in the past and why she had felt she needed to get as far away as New York?

"It's great. Well, my parents got divorced right after I started high school, which was rough, but my mom remarried, and he's a wonderful guy. So family life…good."

"Is it just you and your brother?"

Riley's question confused Buffy for a moment. Brother? She didn't have a…oh. Right. "No. I have a younger sister. Dawn."

"Much better name than Spike," Riley commented.

"His name is William," Buffy said quickly, almost feeling as if she had to defend Spike.

"Oh." There was a pause for a moment before Riley asked another question. "Are you planning on staying here after you graduate, or are you going back to California?"

Why was he asking her that? Did he honestly expect her to know what she was going to be doing in the future when today was still a struggle? "I don't know," she admitted. "I'm just trying to get through to graduation. After that, well, I guess it will depend on where I can find a job."

"Do you know what career you're going for yet?"

Buffy suddenly felt like a loser. She had no clue where she was going, what she was going to do once college was over. "No," she said, feeling somewhat guilty that she hadn't planned out her future more now that she was faced with someone who so obviously had.

"Oh. Well, that's all right. You have time, I guess. Personally, I felt like I needed to have a plan as soon as I started college so I wouldn't waste any time trying out majors, but I know that's not possible for everyone."

Buffy decided not to own up to the fact that she'd "tried out" three different majors before settling on her current choice. She had a feeling Riley would meet that declaration with disapproval. "I looked at it as more of a self discovery thing," Buffy said. "Searching for your niche and all that."

"Yeah, that tends to be a popular take on the college experience. I just found it much more beneficial to see it as laying the groundwork for my future career."

"That's very…practical."

Riley's smile told Buffy he'd taken her response as praise, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd meant it to be. "What made you to settle on psych as your major?" Riley asked.

It was the third time in a rather short conversation that Buffy didn't feel comfortable with giving the whole truth as her answer. Riley was so normal, so together, it made her embarrassed for having such a screwed up life. She knew she couldn't tell him her interest in psychology came from her own past experience with having a less-than-clean bill of mental health. "I just find the inner workings of the human mind fascinating," she replied with her most chipper smile.

Before anything else could be said, the waiter arrived with their dinner. Buffy looked down and immediately regretted her meal choice, the sight of it reminding her too much of the first time Spike had cooked. Who would've thought that she'd start to equate pasta with Spike? She hated the way he kept creeping back into her thoughts. She was on this date in order to get herself to _not_ think about him, not the other way around.

So she'd have to push him out of her mind for now, simple as that. She'd concentrate on the food, the restaurant, Riley—anything but the man she'd left back in her apartment.

* * *

"I had a really nice time tonight."

Buffy smiled at Riley, even though he'd just said what was probably the most overused end of a date line ever. It was like the mild, virginal twin of "Would you like to come in for coffee?" She hated this point of a date, when the night was technically over, but neither person was quite sure how to officially end it. And then there was that whole to kiss or not to kiss mental tug-of-war… "Me, too," she said.

"So, you think maybe we could do it again some time?"

"Sure," Buffy agreed. After all, it wasn't like it had been a bad night. Riley was a nice guy, exactly the type she needed to be with. "You have my number. Call me."

Riley gave her his boyish grin. "Great!" He hesitated for a moment, and Buffy braced herself for what was coming. When he leaned towards her, she didn't move, only waiting for his lips to touch hers. When they did, it was a quick kiss, over before Buffy had a chance to blink.

"So I'll call you?" Riley verified.

He looked pleased with himself, Buffy thought. She couldn't help but feel a little bitchy and wonder why. "Yeah."

"Well, um, have a good night then, Buffy."

"You, too, Riley."

She waited until Riley had walked down the hall and disappeared into the stairwell before fishing her keys out from her purse. There was a moment of dread as Buffy thought of what could happen once she walked into the apartment and saw Spike. Maybe she'd be lucky, and he wouldn't be home. She took a deep breath, turning the key in the lock.

Buffy opened the door, freezing when she saw Spike wasn't alone. Harmony was in his lap, tracing the curve of his neck with her tongue. Buffy threw her purse and keys down on the table, telling herself quickly that what she was feeling was anger at Spike for bringing Harmony here when he'd said he wouldn't and not jealousy at seeing him with another woman. "You. Out of my apartment."

Harmony turned, startled, but Spike just looked smug. "What, you're the only one who gets any tonight? Or wait…maybe _that's_ the problem. Not even a bit of a snog from Cap'n Cardboard, and now you're feeling all frustrated?"

"Shut up, Spike," Buffy snapped.

Harmony glared over at Buffy. "Look, I don't know what your deal is, but my blondie bear and I…"

"Get out of my apartment before I throw you out." Buffy's tone was bordering on a growl.

Harmony's eyes bulged, and she jumped off Spike's lap. "Okay. Well, um, see you later, Spikey." Harmony dashed out of the apartment, not daring to look at Buffy as she did.

Buffy slammed the door behind Harmony, then locked it angrily. She spun around, her eyes narrowing at Spike. "I told you not to bring her here again."

Spike remained seated on the couch, his legs spread comfortably and his hands resting behind his head. "Didn't really think you'd be back tonight. What, dinner wasn't nice enough for you to let him take a poke?"

Buffy gasped. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Yeah, well, it's all part of my lack of charm. Don't see why you even care what I think or say, seeing as I'm not good enough for your precious self anyway."

"What? Don't you try to turn this around on me, Spike. _You're_ the one who had that skank back in my apartment."

"You're one judgmental little bint, you know that?" Spike said, his cool demeanor starting to crack. "You don't know her. For all you know, she could be the very pinnacle of virtue."

"Oh yeah, and I'm sure that's why she's with _you_."

Spike was off the couch as soon as the words were out of Buffy's mouth. He stalked towards her, backing her against the door and pinning her there between his outstretched arms. Buffy trembled, her eyes wide and her breath quickening. "That what you think of me? That I'm beneath you? Oh, I'm fine when you just want to use me, when all I am to you is someone who can make your pain go away for a little while. But if you're ever going to go out in public, well, it better be with someone nice and clean cut. Bloke like me is just an embarrassment."

Buffy pushed against his chest. "Get away from me. You smell like a damn brewery."

Spike didn't budge. "I know you feel this thing between us, Buffy. This heat…desire. You want me. Just let yourself…" He leaned in, his mouth dangerously close to hers.

Buffy pushed him away, harder this time, and he stumbled backwards. "There is _nothing_ between us," she snapped, her body shaking. "God, look at yourself. You have no real job and you can't seem to go even a full twenty-four hours without getting drunk out of your mind. What could you possibly offer me?"

Spike leered at her, caressing his teeth with his tongue, though Buffy could see the anger still in his eyes. "I think you know exactly what I could offer you, kitten."

Buffy gave him her best look of disgust. "That's something I'll never want from you."

"What, you think _Riley_ is going to give you what you need? Didn't seem quite man enough to me."

"Shows how much you know," Buffy said with a smug smile. She didn't like the way he was talking to her, what he was insinuating. She wanted that smug look off of his face. "Riley gives me _exactly_ what I need. He's more of a man than you could ever dream of being."

Spike had her against the door again within seconds, this time with his hard body pressed into her, showing her exactly how much of a man he was. His mouth swallowed her cry of surprise as he gave her a punishing kiss. All semblance of rational thought seemed to fly out the window for her. This kiss was so unlike the mere peck that Riley had given her only a short time before, and Buffy felt dizzy. His touch was electric, and it sent fire through her veins.

But it was wrong. Her voice of reason popped back to the forefront of her mind, reminding her of all the reasons why she couldn't do this. Spike wasn't safe. If she gave in to him now, it would only lead to badness later on. She pushed him away again, this time moving quickly so she was away from the door. "No, Spike. I don't want you. I'll _never_ want you." She saw him move towards her again, and she grabbed on to something he'd said earlier, desperate to do anything to keep him from pushing her where she knew she couldn't go. "You're beneath me."

Spike's face hardened. "Fine. Tell yourself whatever you want, you bloody little bitch. Just think about that when no one's there to hold you while you cry over your dead lover."

Buffy paled. "How did you…"

"I'm not as dumb as you think I am, Buffy. I see you, hear you, and I've put enough of the pieces together to figure out what this is all about."

"You know nothing about me, Spike," Buffy snarled. "_Nothing_." She went into her bedroom, relieved when Spike didn't follow her.

* * *

Willow propped her elbows up on the lunch table, resting her chin on top of her fists. "So, how did the date with Riley go?"

Buffy swirled her straw around in her drink. "It was nice…"

"Nice? I need more than nice. Give me a full description here. Er, unless things got all groiny, in which case a blurry watercolor will suffice."

"There was no groininess," Buffy said with a small smirk. "Just a kiss at the end of the night."

"Ooh! A kiss! Did it make you all tingly?"

"It was…nice."

"There's that 'nice' again. Come on, satisfy the curiosity of the nosy best friend."

"Fine. We went to dinner at Café Centosette on Second Avenue, and…"

"Ooh, Italian. Tara and I go there for brunch sometimes. They have really good…" Willow trailed off. "Oh, I asked about your date with Riley, and now I'm rambling…"

Buffy chuckled. "Rambling's fine. And it was a good meal. Good food. Good conversation. It was…good."

"So it was nice and good?"

"Yep. Nice and good."

"With a kiss at the end of the night."

"Uh huh."

"So will there be more 'nice and good' dates for Buffy and Riley?"

"I think so. He asked if he could see me again, and I told him he could call me."

Willow gave a small, excited squeal. "I'm so happy for you, Buffy! I was worried when you seemed so unwilling to date again after Parker, but here you are, getting back on that dating horse. And Riley's a great guy. I think you'll be really happy together."

"He's terrific," Buffy replied, hopefully with more enthusiasm than she was currently feeling.

Willow smiled brightly, and Buffy tried very hard to let the other woman's good mood be addictive. After all, Riley _was_ terrific, and Spike's behavior the previous night had more than reinforced her belief that she had made the wise choice. Buffy smiled, too. She was doing the right thing.

* * *

Spike was sitting at the kitchen table when Buffy came home that afternoon. "Can we talk?" he asked as soon as she was inside.

"I _really_ don't want to talk to you, Spike."

"I figured as much. I just…"

Buffy leaned against the counter. "Make it quick. I have to be at work in an hour."

Spike took a deep breath. "Right. Look, I'm really sorry about what happened last night."

"Skip it. I don't want to hear anything you have to say about that. You were drunk, and you acted like an ass. End of story."

"Fine. We'll leave it at that then."

"Is that all you had to say?"

"No. I wanted you to know that I'm going to find another place to live. I can't promise anything over night, but I'll be out of here as soon as I can."

Buffy felt all the strength knocked from both her righteous anger and her legs. Spike was leaving? He wasn't supposed to leave. He was supposed to stay there with her, and… _No_… This was good, she told herself. Spike being out of her life would make everything easier. "Happy apartment hunting, then. I'm going to get ready for work."

A quick flash of pain hit his features before they hardened again. "I'll be out of your hair soon, Buffy."

"Glad to hear it." Buffy walked into her room, shutting the door behind her. She started to go to her closet and get her uniform for work, when she felt her legs begin to tremble. She leaned against the door for support, tears forming in her eyes. She hadn't considered the possibility that Spike would actually leave like this.

But it was a good thing. She had to keep telling herself that. It would be better for her, and she'd be safer this way. Yes, this would be better.

So why didn't it feel that way?

* * *

A big thanks to Niamh on this one for being my location scout.

Yes, I know things look rough for our favorite couple right now, but just sit tight, don't burn effigies of me, and everything will be fine, I promise!

Oh yeah, and review please…


	12. Chapter Eleven

Buffy came home to find Spike in the living room, packing his things in the large duffle bag he'd brought with him when he'd first come to New York. Buffy stood in the doorway for a moment, watching him. It had been over a week since he'd announced he was moving out, and even though their relationship had remained strained, she'd hoped he'd decided to stick around after all. Buffy realized now that he'd been serious. He was really leaving.

That was what she wanted, wasn't it? She'd been waiting for him to leave ever since he'd arrived. She should be running over there now to speed up his departure.

She wasn't. She wanted to cry. It shocked her now as she realized how much she'd come to rely on him. He'd helped her pay the bills, made sure she ate enough, and had helped her sleep at night. Somehow, he'd managed to set himself firmly in her life without her even being aware of it as it was happening. She always grabbed her toothbrush now without having to remember whose was green and whose was blue. She used to trip over his boots every morning, but now she picked them up from the middle of the floor and put them by the couch as routine. She was used to his favorite foods in the fridge and to his laundry being mixed with hers.

How was she going to live without that now?

Buffy pulled her chin up. She'd lived without Spike for longer than she'd lived with him. She could pull through the way she always did. If she was anything, it was a survivor. She'd faced things much worse than this and made it through.

She shut the front door and came into the living room, setting her books on the kitchen table as she passed it. "Did you find a new place to live?" she asked, hoping her tone was conversational.

"More or less," Spike replied, shoving a wad of black t-shirts into his bag. "I'm staying with Oz for a bit until I can find something I like."

"You don't have to do that," Buffy said. "I mean, you can stay here until you find something more permanent. No point in couch hopping."

"Yeah, there is."

"But…"

Spike threw a shirt into the bag, then turned around. "I can't do this anymore, Buffy! I can't sit here and watch you go on date after date with Wanker Finn. I can't listen to you gush to your friends about him on the bloody phone. And I certainly can't sleep on this couch and pretend I don't want to be in the bed with you. So yeah, I have to do this. I've taken too long to get out of here as it is."

"When are you leaving?"

"Now. I was hoping to be gone before you got back from class."

He had been planning to leave without saying good bye? Buffy fought back tears again. She wasn't going to cry in front of him, not over this. "Can…can we see each other sometime?"

"Probably not."

"So this is just it? Good bye forever?"

"Looks like it." Spike finished packing and zipped the bag. "Take care of yourself, Summers," he said, throwing the bag over his shoulder.

"You, too, Spike," Buffy replied softly.

He gave her a nod and walked out of the apartment. The door shutting behind him sounded so final, and Buffy noticed that he'd left his key on the side table beside the couch. She let out a long, shuttering breath, feeling the pain of yet another person leaving her.

* * *

"Well, I'd take you on the grand tour, but you can pretty much see everything there is from right here. That little space over there with the ancient linoleum and that thing I think may classify as a window is the kitchen. Bedroom is the mattress in the corner. First door on your left is the bathroom, second is the closet. It holds all of nothing. And that couch behind the amps is where you'll be sleeping, should manage to be able to get to it."

Spike glanced down at the man standing beside him. "Thanks for letting me crash here, Oz. I was really in a bind."

"Don't mention it. My door's always open to a friend in need. Besides, you're the most together lead singer Dingoes has ever had. Couldn't let you stay out in the streets and lose your voice to pneumonia or something," Oz replied.

"I do appreciate it though. Living with Buffy was getting…difficult."

"Are you going to all right to perform tonight?"

"What? Yeah, of course. I mean, I'm free of the little chit now, so problem solved."

Oz raised an eyebrow, but left it at that. "Well, make yourself at home. If you smell something really unpleasant, it's only Mrs. Stanton next door cooking dinner. Just try to breathe through your nose and be thankful you're not Mr. Stanton."

Spike chuckled. "Thanks for the warning."

"Anytime. Hey, I need to go see if this part I need for my van is in yet. You settled in enough here?"

"Yeah. I think I'm going to make my way through the amp jungle and get some rest for tonight."

"All right. I'll be back in a bit."

"Thanks again for this, mate."

Oz gave Spike a small nod and left. Spike made his way over to the couch and put his bag on a clear spot of carpet before lying down. His thoughts quickly drifted to Buffy, and he cursed himself for developing such a soft spot for her. He wanted to not care—to not even think about her—but he couldn't help but wonder what she was doing right then. He felt a pang of guilt for leaving her alone, but told himself it was what she'd wanted all along anyway. She was probably relieved that he was finally out of her way. She could go about her life now with that perfect boyfriend of hers. No irritating family obligation to muck things up for her.

Sure, it stung a bit now, but Spike had no doubt that he could numb the pain. He had when his mother had died and when Drusilla had left him. He could certainly get over whatever it was he felt for a woman he'd only known for a couple of months. Buffy was nothing to him. Easily forgettable.

He'd just have to keep telling himself that until she stopped invading his every thought.

* * *

The apartment was too quiet. Spike had always made some sort of noise, even if it was just rustling from his near-constant fidgeting. It had bothered her at first, but Buffy had gotten used to it, and now she saw that she'd even come to expect it. Desperate to keep herself from thinking too much in the silence, Buffy turned on the television. It was set to NBC, and she realized that meant that Spike had probably watched _Passions_ that afternoon.

Buffy could picture him, just a few hours earlier, sprawled out on her couch, catching up on the latest exploits of the citizens of Harmony. And now, just like that, he was gone.

She'd kept him at a distance to save herself from pain, but somehow, she'd still ended up hurt. She wanted to scream, cry, anything to let out the pain that was welling up inside her. It wasn't fair. She'd fought so hard to keep her heart protected, and it had all been for nothing.

* * *

"Buffy, can I talk to you?" Anya asked, coming behind the counter in the bakery.

"Yeah, sure," Buffy replied.

"In my office."

Buffy frowned. Anya never wanted to talk to her in her office. "Um, okay," she replied, following the other woman into the room in the back, jumping a little when Anya closed the door behind them.

"Have a seat," Anya said, gesturing to a chair as she sat down behind the desk.

Buffy did as she was told, then asked, "What's wrong?"

"Your drawer was short when you closed yesterday."

Buffy's eyes widened. "I…I didn't take anything from it, I swear. I don't…"

Anya waved her hand, cutting Buffy off. "I know you didn't. You just had some things tallied up wrong. And I recounted it all for you this morning before Snyder got here."

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. "So why did you call me in here then?" she asked.

"Because you've been out of it all week. You don't make mistakes like that. You're normally one of he best employees I've ever had here. But lately, you've been messing up orders, forgetting about some completely, and now this with the drawer. I need to know that you're not slipping."

"I'm not. And I'm sorry for all my screw ups. I've just…had a lot on my mind."

"Is it too much? Because, well…" Anya glanced back at the door, then leaned across the desk, lowering her voice when she spoke again. "My loan was approved, and I've bought my shop. I'm almost ready to set it up, and I want you and Willow there with me as co-managers. It's going to be a small store at first, but I know you're both in school, and it would probably be too much for either one of you to help me manage on your own. But if you're falling apart…" Anya took a deep breath. "Buffy, I consider you a friend, but I won't lose money, even for a friend. If you've got some personal problem that's making you all crazy in the head, be upfront with me now, please, before I entrust you with my future business."

Buffy took a moment, surprised at what Anya was offering her. She'd thought that Anya would probably offer her a job as a clerk if she got her shop up and running, but asking her to help her run the place… "I can get everything in my life back together," Buffy promised. "I know I've been off this week, but I'll get better. If you'd do that for me, Anya, I swear I wouldn't disappoint you."

"Good to hear. Just keep quiet about it for now. It's going to be a little while still before I'm ready to leave this place, and I don't want Rat-Man to fire me before that."

"You got it. I'll be zip-lip girl."

"Great!" Anya exclaimed, sitting up straight again. "Look, I'm not too good at the casually trying to bring the conversation around to girl talk thing, so is this about Spike?"

"Huh?"

"Well, something's obviously gotten you upset enough to lose your head, and in my experience, that something is usually a guy. You're with Riley, but you seem to have as much interest in him as you would in a moldy potato, so he can't be the one you're all wiggy over. The only other men you know well are Xander and Spike, and Xander's mine. That leaves Spike."

Buffy gaped at Anya's convoluted—and all too accurate—logic. "I'm…I'm just tired."

"Oh. Well, I know you're lying, but that's your choice." Anya put on her perkiest smile and reached across the desk, patting Buffy's hand. "Buck up, you."

Buffy smirked. "Thanks for your attempt at cheering me up."

"No problem. Now get back to work. And watch what you're doing. No more giving grande mochaccinos to customers who order a tall skinny latte."

Buffy winced as she remembered that morning's catastrophe. "Will do. And Anya—thanks. Really."

"Thank me by watching out for my profits when the time comes, all right?"

"It's a deal," Buffy replied with a genuine smile.

* * *

Buffy put on her brightest grin as she opened the door for Riley. She'd spent every evening she'd had off with him. She hated to admit it to herself, but a lot of that was because she hated being in her apartment alone. This way, she could go someplace with Riley, keep herself occupied, then go home and go to bed.

"You look as beautiful as always," Riley said, giving her that smile that Buffy found just a little too on the goofy side.

"Thanks. So where are we going tonight again?"

"That club with Forrest and April, remember? They're waiting for us downstairs."

Buffy suppressed a groan. How could she have forgotten? Out of all of Riley's obnoxious friends, Forrest was her least favorite. "Right. Well, let's go then," she said, doing her best to look happy. Buffy stepped out into the hallway, locking the door behind her. Riley took her hand as they walked away and, despite her inward cringe, Buffy didn't let herself pull away.

The band currently playing was by far one of the worst Buffy had ever heard, but at least they were loud enough to prevent any actual conversation. However, that didn't stop Riley from touching her. It seemed like he had to always have his hands somewhere on her. Never to the point of crossing any lines, but enough to be irritating. Hadn't the man ever heard of personal space?

The first band left the stage, and Buffy wasn't sure if she was relieved or not. There was still music, but not the horrible din that had allowed her to remain silent before. "The next band is really good," April announced. "I saw them last week. You guys will love them."

"What's the band?" Riley asked.

"Dingoes Ate My Baby."

The fake smile Buffy had been wearing for most of the night fell from her face. This couldn't be real. Someone had to be playing a cruel joke on her. And Riley's obsession with always being "punctual" had gotten them a table close to the stage, too. She was just deciding what illness to fake when she heard Riley ask, "Hey, Buffy, isn't that your brother?"

Buffy wanted to crawl under the table. Spike was on stage now, setting up with the rest of the band. He hadn't seen her yet, and Buffy wondered if she could make it to the door if she ran now. She'd just tell Riley something later, like she'd suddenly remembered she was late for an appendectomy.

But then Spike turned, and it was too late. His eyes met hers, and there was a moment of surprise before he realized Buffy was not just there, but there with Riley. His expression went cold, and he turned away.

Buffy's heart dropped. She hadn't wanted Spike to notice her, but when he had… Did he want her out of his life so much that he couldn't as much as wave at her now?

"Buffy?"

She looked up quickly at Riley, having forgotten for a moment that he was even there. "Yeah?"

"I asked if that was your brother…"

"Oh. Yeah, that's Spike."

April leaned towards Buffy, putting her hand on her arm and making Buffy bristle. "The lead singer is your brother?"

"Um, uh huh," Buffy replied, her tone a little squeaky.

"Damn, you have one fine brother." April kissed Forrest on the cheek. "But not any better looking that you, honey."

"I met him once," Riley said. "He seemed a little surly to me."

Buffy slunk in her chair, wondering why on earth this was happening to her.

* * *

Spike couldn't believe Buffy was sitting in the audience. Front and center, looking even more beautiful than he even remembered. He'd forced himself not to look at her through the first couple of songs, but he could still feel her presence, her wide green eyes following his every move. He slammed back his drink, hoping it would help him get through this set. He took a deep breath and turned back to the mic. He could do this. It was just another performance.

Buffy didn't want to keep staring. She wanted to look anywhere but at Spike. She was sure that the table top would be much more fascinating. But she couldn't pull her eyes away. He was gorgeous on stage, so completely in his element. Another song began, and she recognized it as a cover of the Pointer Sisters' "Fire." As he got to the end of the first verse, Spike turned his gaze to Buffy for the first time since he'd started performing, looking as if he was singing directly to her.

"You say you don't like it  
But I know you're a liar  
'Cause when we kiss  
Oooh…Fire."

Buffy gulped, noticing how he'd slightly tweaked the lyrics. He winked at her, and she wanted to disappear. Did Riley notice? She gave him a quick glance, but he seemed oblivious. Buffy wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing… She turned back to the stage, and Spike met her eyes again, this time, curling his tongue against his teeth as he did. Buffy was fairly sure she was going to spontaneously combust. It wasn't fair for him to be that sexy.

Spike didn't know what possessed him to start singing to Buffy. Maybe it was the lyrics, hitting a little too close to home for him not to. But she seemed to be liking it, if her wide eyes and heavy breathing were any indication. He threw in that thing he did with tongue he knew women liked for good measure and grinned inwardly when he saw her gasp. Yeah, she was liking this. He amped up his performance a bit, making sure to give Buffy a good show.

Buffy felt like she was going to hyperventilate. Did he have any idea what he was doing to her? God, he was like sex in tight denim up on that stage. He'd broken away from her gaze for a bit, but as he came to the last verse, he locked his eyes with her again, leaving no doubts in her mind that he was singing directly to her.

"You had a hold on me right from the start  
A grip so tight, I couldn't tear it apart  
My nerves all jumpin', acting like a fool  
Well your kisses they burn  
But your heart stays cool

Well, Romeo and Juliet  
Sampson and Delilah  
Baby, you can bet their love couldn't be denied  
Your words say split  
But your words they lie  
'Cause when we kiss  
Oooh…Fire…"

He ended the song by doing that blasted tongue thing again, and as most of the crowd clapped, Buffy jumped up out of her seat, running for the bathroom. Spike smirked as he watched her go.

April announced that she was going to go check on Buffy, leaving Forrest and Riley at the table alone. Forrest leaned over to Riley.

"Man, that ain't her brother."

"What?"

"They're making with the hot naked sex."

Riley gave his friend an angry look. "Buffy said he's her brother, and I believe her. They're not making with the hot naked anything."

"You are way too gullible. Did you see that just then? He was practically having sex with her from the stage!"

"You're delusional, Forrest."

"Whatever, man, but if that's her brother, then she's got one fucked up family."

"Don't talk about Buffy that way," Riley said with a glare.

Forrest held up his hands. "Just looking out for you."

"Well, don't." Riley turned back to the stage, a sour look on his face.

* * *

Buffy gripped the side of the sink, taking deep breaths despite the horrible smell in the club's bathroom. Why had Spike done that to her? Had he purposely been trying to torment her? Had he wanted to prove some point?

"Buffy, are you okay?"

Buffy turned sharply as April came into the bathroom. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"Well, you were acting sort of funny through that song, and then you ran off right after it was over."

"It, um, brings up bad memories for me," Buffy lied, hoping she could be convincing.

"Oh. Then why did your brother sing it?"

"Spike? He likes to torment me. You know big brothers…" Buffy laughed nervously.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?"

"No!" Buffy said quickly. As difficult as being around Spike was, she didn't want to leave either. "I'm okay now. We can go back to the table."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," Buffy replied.

"All right…" April said, obviously less than convinced, but not going to push the issue any more.

The two women left the bathroom.

* * *

For the next several songs, Spike virtually ignored her. There was a glance here and there, but nothing anywhere near what he had done earlier. Buffy figured she should be feeling relief, but she wasn't. She wanted his attention again.

After finishing another song, Spike put down his electric guitar, conferring for a moment with the rest of the band before picking up an acoustic one and going back to the front of the stage. He pulled up a stool, sitting on it before resizing the mic stand so it was where he could reach it.

"This is a new one I haven't done before, but I'd like to tonight since the girl I wrote it for is sitting right here in the audience."

Buffy paled. He couldn't be about to do what she thought he was going to do… But his eyes were back on her as he started to strum the guitar and opened his mouth to sing.

"She comes home to me after a hard night's work  
Falls in my arms and sleeps like a bird  
Startled, she wakes up like she don't know me  
Cocks back a fist like she'd going to slug me  
Like who are you anyway  
And what are you doing to me?

"She's an angel  
She can't see it  
She's got wings  
She can't feel 'em  
She's an angel  
She can't see it  
But she's flying above me every day  
Every day of my life.

"Bright diamond eyes with daggers beneath them  
She carries the chains of a million decisions  
That weren't even hers to begin with anyway  
But she carries them all  
All the people around her  
Never even notice that she's very very tired."

As Spike began the chorus repeat, Riley grabbed Buffy's arm, pulling her up out of her chair. Buffy looked at him, tears in her eyes. She didn't want to leave now, not after Spike had just sung that to her. Was that what he really felt about her? And if it was, well, she'd made a horrible mistake.

"Come on, Buffy, we're leaving," Riley said tersely.

"I don't want…" Buffy's protest died on her lips as Riley started to pull her away from the table. He was hurting her arm, but when she tried to get away, his grip only tightened.

Spike was off the stage before Buffy could even register that he'd moved. He cut in front of Riley, his eyes narrowed. "Let her go," he snarled.

"What, come to protect your _sister_?" Riley sneered. "Look, I don't know who the hell you really are or what sort of sick fantasies you have about Buffy, but I'm not going to sit here and let you sing to my girl that way."

"Yeah, and I'm not going to let you drag her out of her like a sodding caveman. So let her go before I have to break something—most likely your face."

Riley puffed himself up and looked down at Spike. "Am I supposed to be afraid of you?"

"You would be if you were smart, boy," Spike replied in a tone dark enough to make Riley back down a bit. "Now let Buffy go, so I won't have to knock out all of your very shiny teeth, piss off of the manager, and get my paycheck for the night withheld. Deal?"

"Riley, please, just let me go," Buffy said softly.

Riley looked down at her for a moment before dropping her arm as if it was on fire. "You're disgusting, you know that?" he said before storming out of the club, Forrest and April not far behind him.

Spike turned to Buffy then, pushing her hair away from her face. "Are you all right, kitten?"

Buffy nodded. "Yeah. Although I think he left a bruise on my arm…"

Spike's jaw ticked. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean for that to happen."

"It's…it's all right." Buffy looked down. "I liked the song."

"You did?"

"Uh huh."

For the first time in weeks, Spike was genuinely happy. "Look, I have to finish this set, but then we can talk, yeah?"

"Okay," Buffy agreed.

Spike pointed over to a table on the other side of the stage. "See the woman there in the red and black shirt?"

"Yeah."

"That's the drummer's girlfriend, Mona. Go sit with her for now, and I'll come get you when I'm done."

"All right."

Spike grinned before running back on stage, getting the band to quickly start up another song to get the audience's mind of what had just happened. Buffy made her way over to Mona, suddenly feeling as if she could fly.

* * *

Real life made me neglect this and all my other fics for a while, and I'm sorry for that. But I appreciate all my loyal readers on this fic who have put up with huge posting gaps and a painful level of UST. I showed my appreciation here with an extra long chapter, and I will do all I can to have more frequent updates from now on. Thank you so much to every one who has been reading this, and an extra special thanks to those who have been kind enough to review. This is a hard fic to write, and your words of encouragement have meant more to me than I can even begin to tell you.

As mentioned in the fic, "Fire" is originally the Pointer Sisters, though there is a version done by Ghost of the Robot out there, so if you can hunt it down, you can hear James singing it. And "Angel" is by Ghost of the Robot, written by James Marsters. I'm sure you all know who he is…

Please remember to review!


	13. Chapter Twelve

"You must be Buffy."

Buffy turned to Mona in surprise. "How'd you know that?"

"Spike talks about a 'Buffy' all the time. And from that little display, I guessed you must be her."

"Well you guessed right." Buffy was silent for a moment before asking, "Spike really talks about me?"

"Like I just said—all the time."

Buffy couldn't help the smile that broke out across her face. "Really? Wow…"

Mona leaned in. "If I were you, I'd claim him before some other girl does," she said before turning her attention back to the stage.

Buffy watched Spike performing, and even now that it wasn't directed at her, the sight of him still made a rush go through her. He was so alive up there, and she realized abruptly that she wanted him. Really _really_ wanted him. He turned her way then, his eyes smoldering, and Buffy decided to hell with the consequences. She knew he could make her break all over again, but trying to fight what was between them was killing her on its own. She might as well give in to it if there was going to be pain either way.

When the band finished their set, Spike jumped down off the stage, coming over to the table where Mona and Buffy were sitting. "We have to break down and load up, and then we can get out of here, all right?" he asked Buffy tentatively, hoping not to scare her off again.

She surprised him, however, by grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him down to her, crushing his lips against hers. Spike only hesitated for a moment before his brain registered the fact that Buffy really was kissing him and kissed her back. She was grinning slyly at him when he pulled away, and Spike cleared his throat. "I'll just, um, be quick about this then."

"I'll be waiting for you," Buffy said in a tone that sounded suspiciously like a purr to his ears. Spike nodded and jumped back on stage, not wanting to waste any time in case Buffy changed her mind on a whim.

Mona smirked from beside Buffy. "Looks like somebody's going to have a good time tonight."

Buffy's smile grew. "That's what I'm counting on."

* * *

Spike was surprised that they made it out of the cab and into the apartment with their clothing still intact. Buffy had been all over him since they'd left the club—a far cry from the woman who would run off every time he'd come near her.

Now that they were behind closed doors, her attentions intensified. She was pulling at his t-shirt so ferociously that Spike wondered if the fabric would tear. When she finally managed to pull it over his head, she broke away from his mouth and moved her kisses to his chest, making Spike groan and thread his fingers through her dark hair.

Some part of his brain that was still miraculously capable of rational thought was screaming at him, telling him that this was just asking for trouble. Buffy had very quickly gone from pushing him away at every advance he made to attacking him as if she were a starving woman and he was the first meal she'd had in weeks. What if she responded to this the same way she did everything else? The problems that would cause would be detrimental to whatever this was between them. Mustering up all of his willpower, he nudged her away from him.

"Buffy…wait. We should…we need to talk about this."

Buffy looked up at him with the sexiest pout Spike had ever seen. "Don't want talk—want you." She leaned into him again, nipping at his ear, and he sucked in a hissing breath.

Spike was going to protest more. He was going to convince her that if they were going to do this, then they needed to do it right. He was going to tell her that she meant too much to him for just a quick screw that could have consequences neither one of them wanted to face.

But then he realized that she'd somehow managed to get his pants open, and her hot little hand was gripping him tightly. That last bit of rational thought he'd been clinging to was gone, and he was hers.

* * *

Buffy made a small sound of contentment and nuzzled up against him, and Spike held her close, running his hand through her silky hair. She was staying here with him, and Spike felt relief flood through him as he thought maybe this time she'd let him in to her life.

But then Spike heard Buffy sniffling and realized she was crying. He was hit with a sudden wave of panic, wishing that he'd gone with his first instinct and talked to her beforehand, made sure this was really wanted. It had all seemed so perfect at the time, but she must be regretting it now. He pulled away enough to look at her face, though he feared what he might see there.

"Buffy? What's wrong, luv?" he asked softly, praying that she wouldn't run off.

She took a deep breath before answering, and the sight of her watery eyes made Spike's heart clench. "I never thought I'd have this again," she said.

"Have what?"

"This. This thing that we just shared. It was so beautiful, and I feel so cherished right now, and I…I never thought I could…again…after…after…" Buffy's soft tears broke into full sobs, and Spike gathered her back into his arms, murmuring soft words of comfort.

Eventually, Buffy moved away from him slightly, slipping one arm from around him to wipe at her eyes. She saw the concern clearly written on Spike's face, and Buffy knew then that she had to tell him the truth about her past. He deserved to know what he was signing up for getting with her, needed to know why she was the way she was.

"His name was Angel."

Spike tensed, wondering what Buffy could be talking about before he remembered the hints of her past that he'd caught in their time together. _Her dead lover_… "Tell me about him?" he coaxed softly, knowing she needed to get this out.

Buffy closed her eyes, willing her nerves to calm down. She could do this… She opened them again and knew immediately she couldn't get this out with Spike looking at her so intently. It made her heart ache too much. She sat up, keeping the sheet around her as best she could as she pulled her knees to her chest.

Her back was to him now, but Spike didn't push her to move. If this is how she needed to do this, then he would let her. Buffy was too easily scared off he knew, and he didn't want her to run now that he finally had had her in his arms. He propped himself up on his hand, lying on his side and waiting patiently for her to speak. After a long pause, she did.

"I met him when I was sixteen. My friend Cordelia talked me into going to this college party, and he was there. He was twenty, and he had no idea that I was still in high school. We ended up cutting out of the party and going outside, sitting on the hood of his car and talking all night. He made me feel smart, and mature, and like someone really special. I'd never…I'd never felt that way with anyone. I knew at the time that I should tell him my age, but I couldn't do it. I figured I'd lose him that way, and I didn't want to. So I let him think I was a sophomore at some other college—not in high school.

"But then I actually fell in love with him. He was everything to me, and I couldn't keep lying to him. I…I told him the truth. He was shocked, and he said that we shouldn't see each other anymore. That I was too young, and he was pre-law, and that being with me could jeopardize his whole future career. But that lasted all of a week. We knew it was wrong, but we couldn't stay away. I was convinced that I couldn't live without him. We kept seeing each other, and in my mind nothing bad could happen, because we were in love. It was going to be forever, and I knew that in a few years the whole age thing wouldn't matter. I mean, what's four years in the grand scheme of things, right? I could see our whole future, from the small apartment we'd live in while he was in law school to the house we'd have with the kids and the dog.

"But then my mom found out. Apparently four years was a lot to her. She told him if he came near me again, she'd have him arrested. I was seventeen by this point, and I begged her to let it go. I was almost old enough, why couldn't she just let me be happy? She did everything she could to keep us apart, and Angel said that we should just wait the year. We had our whole lives ahead of us, after all…

"I tried to wait, but I _ached_ for him. We saw each other when we could, but it was rough. My mother was watching me like a hawk, and when I finally did turn eighteen, I wanted to just leave home, be out on my own. But Angel convinced me to stay, told me that I needed to stick it out through high school. At least she couldn't threaten to have him arrested anymore. But that didn't stop her. She said he'd only be a distraction in my life, that I had too much going on to get so serious with a man. So we made plans. He was graduating from college about a month before I finished high school, and he was going to go to LA—where he was going to be for law school—and set everything up for us. He got an apartment, and right after graduation, I was going to take the bus down there and we…we were going to be together."

Buffy was silent for a long while after that, and Spike took a deep breath, deciding to prod her gently again. "What happened, pet?" he asked, keeping his tone steady and even.

"My mother," Buffy replied, her tone harsh enough to make Spike wince. "She found out I was leaving, and told me I couldn't go. We…we had this huge fight, and…and it made me miss the bus. I had to wait around for another one, and it was night before I got to LA."

Buffy stopped again, and Spike could hear her fighting tears. She took a deep breath and pushed herself to continue. "But Angel was there waiting for me. I was so happy in that moment. I can still remember seeing him there and thinking that all the badness was behind us. But…but there were these men in…in the parking lot. And they attacked us. It happened so fast, I can't…I can't remember it all, but they came after me, and Angel he…he wanted to protect me. And then there was a shot, and they were gone, and…" She sobbed loudly for a moment, her whole body shaking before she said in a rush, "He died in my arms, and it was all my fault. He was there because of me, and…" It became too much, and she buried her face in her hands.

Spike was up immediately, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her against his chest. She welcomed his embrace, letting him soothe her while she cried. "Not your fault, kitten. Oh, Buffy, not your fault." He felt his own eyes tearing up, his heart breaking for the woman in his arms.

"It is. It _is_ my fault," she replied. "If he hadn't loved me, he never would've died. I…I killed him."

Spike's arms tightened around her. "No, baby. Don't think that about yourself."

She pulled away slightly, her face a picture of anguish. "It just hurts so much, Spike. It hurts all the time, and I can't make it stop, and I…" she crumbled again, and Spike moved them so they were lying down again, cradling her in his arms as she cried.

Eventually, her tears quieted down, and Spike realized she'd fallen asleep in his arms. "I'll make the hurting stop, Buffy," he promised softly before letting himself follow her into slumber.

* * *

I know you have to have something to say about that chapter, so please review. I'm not a mind-reading author, so there's no way for me to know what you're thinking about a story or if you want to keep reading it unless you tell me.

Also, as you probably know if you read a lot of my stories here, I edit them for this site. This is one of those edited chapters. The full version can be found elsewhere for those of you over the age of 18.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Spike allowed himself a few moments of contentment with Buffy still sleeping in his arms before the panic set in. What would happen when she woke up? She'd let him in both physically and emotionally the night before, but he wasn't sure how she'd react now, facing the day. Being with Buffy had been one of the most incredible experiences of his life, and the thought of losing that now scared him more that he even wanted to admit.

When her eyes slowly fluttered open, Spike sucked in a deep breath. He watched as a slow smile crept across Buffy's face as she stretched languidly, then he frowned as she winced a little.

"Okay, those are muscles I haven't used in a while," Buffy grumbled.

Spike's mind was whirling. She wasn't running or screaming, so that was a good thing. She'd looked happy at first, but now she was frowning. That could be bad… "Are you sore, luv?"

"A little." Buffy's smile returned, this time taking on an almost impish quality. "But it was worth it."

Spike felt himself relaxing as he started to believe that maybe this morning actually was going to turn out well. He reached up and stroked Buffy's cheek. "Guess we're going to have to see that those muscles get more of a regular workout then," he replied.

Buffy pushed herself closer to him, practically purring as she rubbed her hands down his chest. "Think maybe we could start on that right now?"

Spike's eyes darkened, and he didn't even try to fight the shiver that coursed through him. He couldn't have imagined this morning going any better, and he would've been giddy if Buffy hadn't already managed to distract him from thinking about anything other than his desire for her. He rolled over on top of her, fully intending to show her just how well he could work out those muscles when suddenly, she froze, pushing at his chest. Spike pulled up, letting her get off the bed. "Buffy…what's…what's wrong? Did I do…"

"I'm supposed to be at work in fifteen minutes," she said before rushing out of the room without a look back at him.

Spike sat up in the bed, filled with disappointment and confusion. What had just happened exactly? She'd been so responsive, and now she was running away? Was she using work as an excuse to get away from him? But if that were the case, then why had she seemed to want him only moments before.

Then he heard her talking to someone in the living room, and he quickly surmised that she'd made a phone call.

"Anya, it's Buffy. I know it's short notice, but I can't come in today. I know, I know, but I have a really good excuse. Yeah…I'm having sex. No! Not at this very moment…I _stopped_ to use the phone. Well, now you tell me! Ugh. A world of no. Spike… Yes, _that_ Spike… What? I'm not saying that! Oh, you're evil. Fine. You were absolutely right, and I was very, very wrong to ever doubt your knowledge of all that is the world of men, oh knowing one. There, you happy? Can I go back to the sex now? Okay, I will. I promise. Uh huh. Bye!"

Buffy slammed the phone back on the receiver and ran back into the room, all but leaping into bed with Spike. "Sorry. Knew if I didn't hurry up and do that now, I was going to get too distracted. But then Anya said that 'having great sex' is an acceptable reason for _not_ calling in, so ugh, total waste of time when I could've been otherwise occupied."

All the doubt that had built itself back up inside Spike when Buffy had run off dissipated. Not only was she staying with him, but she'd had no problem admitting their relationship to one of her friends. This was something real to her, something she thought was worth keeping. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her flush against him, kissing her with a near savage intensity. Buffy moaned, clinging tightly to his back, his desperate need fueling her own. They tore away from each other only when breathing became a necessity, and the raw need in Spike's eyes made Buffy pull him to her all over again.

When they broke the kiss a second time, Spike moved his mouth to her ear, nipping lightly on the lobe before whispering, "Having you only made me want you more, pet. I could spend every moment of my life buried inside you and never get enough."

"Oh god," Buffy groaned. His voice could always make her hot, but now it was so low, so roughened with desire, that she felt positively on fire.

"God, hmm? I usually respond to just Spike, but god'll do." Spike thrust his pelvis against her, and Buffy felt no need to argue.

She'd happily make him her god if he'd just keep doing what he was doing…

* * *

"I'm hungry."

Spike chuckled as Buffy's sudden declaration broke the silence that had followed their morning lovemaking. "And what exactly do you expect me to do about it, pet?"

Buffy propped herself up on his chest, looking down at him. "Make omelettes."

"Oh, well, look who's getting all demanding now."

Buffy made her eyes grow wide and pitiful as she stuck out her bottom lip. "But it would make me happy. Don't you want to make me happy, Spike?"

"Oi! That's just not fair play…"

Buffy's only response was to coquettishly bat her eyelashes.

"Bloody woman," Spike grumbled as he moved her from his chest so he could get off the bed. "I'll make you an omelette if that's what you want."

"With cheese?"

"Course. Know how much my girl likes cheese."

Buffy made a small squeal of delight, and Spike noted how she didn't protest his use of the phrase "my girl." Instead, she gave him a bright smile, punctuated with a "thank you, honey."

Spike smiled back. He'd make her a thousand omelettes just to keep her calling him sweet names like that. "You do have food in the fridge, don't you?" he asked.

"Yep. I have eggs and cheese—and peppers, too."

"Guess you're gonna want me to chop those up." Buffy's eyes grew wide and pleading again, and Spike knew for certain just how much she had him wrapped around her little finger. He chuckled and grabbed his jeans, putting them on before going into the kitchen. He'd started rummaging around the fridge for what he'd need when he felt Buffy's arms go around him from behind and her lips press a small kiss against his shoulder blade.

"Did I ever tell you how good your ass looks in these jeans?"

Spike shivered. This was a side of Buffy he'd dreamed of more time than he could count, but to actually see those dreams played out in living color was better than he could ever have imagined. "No, pet, don't believe you ever have," he said, leaning back slightly into her embrace.

"How neglectful of me."

Spike turned, his mouth going dry at the sight of her wearing nothing but one of his shirts. "How hungry are you exactly?" he asked huskily.

"Hungry. Food now. Sex later."

"Or Cave Buffy will be angry?" Spike asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Buffy lightly slapped his chest, then pointed to the stove. "Breakfast."

"Is this why you brought me back here? To make me your personal man-slave?"

"Yup. To provide me with omelettes and orgasms."

Spike laughed, her playful response both surprising and amusing him. "Been spending time with Anya, have you?"

"Just a little."

Spike leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose. "Well, you just relax now, princess, and I'll get to work on the first thing. Then I'll see what I can do about the second." He punctuated the last word with a look hot enough to make Buffy's knees weak. But a small rumble from her stomach reminded her why they were in the kitchen instead of the bed.

She walked over to the table, sitting down and resting her chin in her hands. "All right, man-slave. Get to it."

"You going to watch me?"

"Uh huh. I like watching you cook. There's something really sexy about a man in a kitchen."

Spike chuckled and got to work. If him cooking got her hot, then who was he to deny her a show?

Buffy's gaze followed him around the kitchen, her hunger rising for both Spike and the food. She realized suddenly how _right_ it seemed to have him there, how _right_ he looked in her apartment. "I missed you," she blurted out.

Spike turned from the bell peppers he was chopping. "What?"

"I missed you. Here—in the apartment. It felt so…empty. Like if there's a painting that used to be on a wall, and then someone takes it away, but you still expect to see it when you look at that wall, and when it's not there, it just seems…wrong. And that's a horrible analogy, because you're a person, not a painting, but…"

"I know what you mean, kitten. Felt like something was missing." Buffy nodded. "Do you want me back here? On a permanent basis." Buffy nodded again, but Spike felt like he had to make one more point before he agreed to come back. "And just so we're clear, it would be different this time. I'd live here with you all official-like, so no shutting me out."

"I know. And you did live here before, I was just…too stubborn to accept it." Buffy stopped long enough to respond to his smirk with a dirty look before she continued. "I want you here, Spike. And as much as it scares me to admit this, I _need_ you here. Since you left, everything as been harder. I thought letting you in would be the difficult thing to do, but it wasn't. It was living here after I'd driven you away. That's what was hard."

Spike made his way over to the table, kneeling in front of Buffy and reaching up to cup her cheek with his hand. "No, baby. Don't think that's what you did. Besides, I know I was no picnic to live with." Buffy smiled at him a little. "Knew I could get a grin. We had a rough start, luv. Lots of couples do, it's okay. But you didn't drive me away. I'm here now, aren't I?"

Buffy nodded. "And you're going to stay, right? You're not going to leave me again?" Her lip trembled, and Spike felt like a wanker for ever leaving at all. He'd thought he was doing the best thing for her at the time, but it was obvious now that that had hurt her in a way neither one of them had anticipated. He stood, wrapping his arms around her and letting her rest her head against his abdomen.

"Not gonna leave. You mean so much to me, Buffy. You want me for the long haul, you've got me."

"I do. I'm terrified, but I do." She looked up, and Spike saw the tears shimmering in her eyes. "You'll help me not be afraid anymore, won't you, William?"

Spike's heart jumped in his chest. This was a side of Buffy he rarely saw—if ever. It was a vulnerability she'd only shown him those nights that he'd held her, and even then she'd been more guarded than this. She was sitting in front of him now, handing him her broken heart and asking him to mend it. Could he? He wasn't exactly in one piece emotionally himself, and he knew it. Could he accept the responsibility of teaching this woman it was okay to love again?

"I will, Buffy. I promise."

Buffy read the sincerity in his eyes and sniffled. The two were silent for a moment before Buffy's mouth turned up slightly. "So what about those omelettes?"

* * *

Buffy lay in Spike's arms, a small, contented smile on her lips. They'd barely made it through breakfast before they'd stumbled back into the bedroom, desperate to feel each other again. Spike had drifted off to sleep after the last time, but she'd stayed awake, despite the fact that their enthusiastic, amorous activities had left her tired and sore. She was almost afraid to go to sleep, worrying that she'd open her eyes again to find that none of it had been real. She'd be alone again, without the warmth and comfort that Spike was giving her now.

But he wouldn't leave her. He'd promised.

_Angel promised not to leave, too…_ a little voice inside reminded her. And in the end, he had. Not because he'd wanted to, but the result had been the same. She'd been broken and alone.

She thought about Spike being cold and lifeless the way Angel had been the last time she'd held him, and wrapped her arms tighter around her lover. She couldn't survive that again, especially not with this man sleeping beside her now…

But what choice did she have but to take the risk? She was already in too deep with Spike, although how it had happened, she didn't know. She'd tried so hard to protect herself, to avoid putting herself in a situation where she could lose it all again, but it had happened just the same. Somehow the one person she'd wanted nothing to do with had become the one person she couldn't live without.

So she did the only thing she could.

She held on to him and prayed that this time, everything would be all right.

* * *

I'm not sure how happy I really am with this chapter, but the muse has not been with me recently. Let me know what you thought of it, please. I could really use the feedback right now…

Sorry that was kind of short. I had to edit for content again.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Willow knew Buffy well enough to know something was off. For one thing, she was smiling. A lot. And it was a genuine smile, not the sort that Buffy put on just for the customers. It was something Willow had rarely seen from her friend. "Buffy, are you okay? You didn't like, hit your head really hard on the way to work today, did you?"

Buffy didn't respond. She was leaning against the counter, that huge smile on her face. Plus a very far away look in her eyes. "Uh, Buffy? Are you home in there?"

Anya walked out from the back office and past the counter on her way towards the front door. "She had really great sex. It gives you that goofy, dazed look."

Buffy snapped to attention then. "Anya!"

"Well, you did. I'm going out for lunch. You guys want me to pick something up?"

"I'm good," Buffy said, trying to push back the blush Anya's declaration had brought to her face. At least there hadn't been any customers in at the time…

"I'm fine, too, thanks," Willow said.

Anya smiled perkily. "Okay. See you two in a bit."

Willow turned on Buffy as soon as Anya was out of the building. "What was she talking about?"

Buffy's attempts to keep from blushing proved completely futile as she turned bright red. "I had sex with Spike."

"Spike? Seriously? What about Riley?"

"Ugh. Riley was a temporary lapse in sanity."

"Oh my god, Buffy, this is huge!"

"Yeah, and so is Spike." Buffy's eyes widened. "I can't believe that came out of my mouth. He's turned me into a perv."

Willow smirked. "Wow. I've never seen you like this over a guy. Ever." Suddenly, she was pouting. "And how come Anya knew before me? I'm the best friend here! We've been at work together for hours, and you haven't said anything!"

"I was going to," Buffy insisted. "But every time I'd start, I'd think about Spike, and well…"

"Which explains the glassy eyes and huge grin."

"Oh yeah." As if on cue, the grin returned. "Will, it was _amazing_. I didn't know sex could be like that in real life. I thought movies were just making it up. But then I was with Spike, and wow. Just…wow."

Willow gave Buffy a light nudge with her elbow. "I told you there was sparkage."

"Oh, there's sparkage. I'm surprised we didn't catch something on fire."

"I'm really happy for your, Buffy," Willow said. "I was worried about you, alone all the time." She frowned. "But that still doesn't explain why Anya knew before me."

"Spike and I slept together for the first time the night before last. And then when we woke up, I didn't want to stop. So I called Anya and asked for the day off," Buffy explained.

"Figures Anya would take 'having sex' as an acceptable reason to skip work. Hey, didn't you have a date with Riley two nights ago?"

"Um, yeah."

"So how did you go from on a date with Riley to sleeping with Spike?"

"We were double dating with a friend of Riley's, and his girlfriend wanted to go see Spike's band. Only I didn't know it was Spike's band until I got there. I mean, can you even imagine the odds? Out of all the clubs and all the bands in New York, that's where we end up… Anyway, Spike gets on stage, and he starts singing to me. Well, really it was like musical foreplay. I swear, that man is…" Buffy stopped, shaking her head. "Anyway, he ended the set for the night with a song he wrote for me, and…"

Willow cut Buffy off with a loud "aww!" "He wrote you a song? Buffy, that's so romantic." She frowned. "Unless it was a song about thinking you're a bitch or something…"

"Willow! It was a nice song. Really pretty. Made me feel all gushy inside." Buffy's dreamy look returned again at the memory. "But then Riley got all jealous and tried to drag me out of the club, only Spike wouldn't let him. He was all sexy and…ugh, Willow, I think I'm falling in love."

Willow's eyes widened. "Love? Seriously? You?"

"Yes, me. Miss No-Man-Shall-Have-My-Heart herself."

"Does Spike know this?" Willow asked.

"I haven't told him," Buffy replied. "I want to make sure first, you know? And I'm so happy right now. I don't want anything to mess it up."

Suddenly, the front door burst open, Snyder striding in, a glare on his face. "Do you know what I see right now?" he asked as he approached the counter.

"A bakery?" Buffy replied.

"No. I see an _empty_ bakery. And do you know why it's empty?"

"No one wants a cookie?" Willow asked.

"It's because there's gossip. People don't want to buy from gossipers." Snyder glared at the two girls before going back into his office, slamming the door behind him. He opened it again a moment later, peering out. "I'll be watching you two on the cameras."

Buffy and Willow shared a look before going off to find something to pretend to clean to keep Snyder happy.

* * *

Usually, Buffy cursed the lack of elevator in her building. After a long day at work, on her feet all day, the last thing she wanted to do was go up four flights of stairs. But today, she practically flew up them, her only thought being getting home to Spike.

_Home to Spike_… She liked the sound of that.

She walked in the front door to find him asleep in the couch. The television was on, and the remote control was on the floor under his outstretched hand. He was wearing nothing but a pair of worn jeans, and Buffy licked her lips as a naughty idea she couldn't bring herself to ignore sprung to mind.

Buffy shut the door as quietly as she could, not wanting to risk waking Spike up before she was ready. She crept over to the couch, a predatory smile on her lips.

* * *

Buffy walked out of the bathroom, toweling her recently-washed hair. Her gaze drifted over to the couch, and she blushed a bright red. She couldn't believe how things had escalated after she'd come home from work. Had she _honestly_ tied Spike up and ridden him like a prized stallion? What the hell had gotten into her?

Spike walked out of the bathroom then, a towel slung low against his hips. Oh yeah… _That's_ what had gotten into her. Her blush faded as she focused on the sight in front of her. A drop of water rolled down his chest, and she found herself wanting to lick it off.

That was one hell of a man. And he was hers. Could it get any yummier?

"Whatcha thinkin', luv?" Spike asked.

"How damn sexy you are," Buffy purred, licking her lips as she looked him up and down. Yeah, he'd officially turned her into a little lust bunny…

"Glad you finally decided to notice."

"Oh, I noticed a _long_ time ago, buddy. I noticed way back at the wedding."

"Ha! I knew it." Spike smiled at her for a moment, before his expression got suddenly serious. "Buffy, what are we going to tell our parents?"

Buffy frowned. Parents were not exactly something she wanted to think about right now. "We're not," she said.

"We're not going to tell them? Anything?"

"Nope. Not a damn thing," Buffy replied. "Not like my mother pays any attention to me anyway. Well, unless she's calling to gripe at me about something."

Spike took a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. "I don't know about you, but I plan on this lasting a long time. And being the sort of relationship that would be a bit difficult to hide from family members…"

Buffy sighed. "I know. And me, too. I just… Mom'll freak. I know she's started thinking of you in a son sort of way recently, and us together will just creep her out. And I doubt your father will jump up and down at the idea. They'll make things all stressful, and I don't want us to be stressful. I want us to be happy."

"If you don't want them to know, then I won't tell them," Spike said. "But they're going to find out sooner or later, and it'll be a bigger deal if they find out we've been hiding it."

"I know, but just…not now, all right? Later?"

Spike knew "no" wasn't a word he could say easily to her—if at all. "Fine. But get used to the idea of having to tell them."

"I will."

* * *

This chapter has been highly edited for content. Sorry it's so short. I had to cut about half of it in order to post it on this site.

Sorry I had to take a little break from this fic for a while. I had some personal reasons for it. But I'm working on it again now, and no, it's not near being finished. Buffy and Spike still have a lot to work though, and contrary to what some reviewers seemed to think, I'm not planning just to rehash the same old thing, or cause problems just for the sake of angst. Nor is there nothing left that I can possibly tell, as a few reviewers who apparently fancy themselves mind readers seemed to think… I have a story I wanted to tell, and it isn't finished yet. I've got a lot of ups and downs planned, and I hope you'll enjoy it.

It's been a while since this fic has been updated, and hopefully, I haven't lost all my readers. So please, let me know if you're still with me here, and I'll work on getting out the next chapter a whole lot sooner.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

Buffy felt the urge to scream and run away despite the fact that the very crowded hallway and the heels she was wearing probably meant it wouldn't end well for her.

But seeing Riley lumbering towards her, his mouth set in a grim line of determination made her want to chance it, heels be damned.

Before she could make her getaway, Riley was standing in front of her, glowering down. "Buffy, we need to talk."

"We do?" Buffy asked, taking a step backwards. "I thought we already said everything we were going to say."

"You screwed me over the other night, Buffy. I demand an explanation."

"Look, Riley, I'm sorry, but I don't have to give you one."

Riley took hold of her arm, pulling her over towards the wall and out of the stream of people filing from their classes. "Yes, you do. You ditched me for your brother, Buffy. I can't even begin to tell you how twisted that is."

Buffy groaned inwardly. What had she ever seen in this guy? "He's not really my brother," Buffy said, pulling her arm away from Riley.

"Why did you lie to me? Were you sleeping with him the whole time we were together?"

"Okay, for the record, we weren't 'together.' We were casually dating. And no, I wasn't."

"But you are now."

Buffy gaped. "How is that your business?"

"I want to know who he is, Buffy. Seeing as you humiliated me the other night in favor of him, I think you owe me that much."

Buffy sighed. "Fine. He's my step-father's son and he's been living with me for a while. Just roommates though, until recently."

"I thought you said he's not your brother," Riley said with a frown.

"He's not."

"But if he's your step-father's son, that makes him your step-brother.."

"Technically, I guess. But we didn't grow up together or anything, all right?"

Riley backed away from her, his hands slightly raised. "You are so not the girl I thought you were, Buffy. You're having _that_ sort of relationship with your step-brother? Not to mention how he looks. He probably has some sort of VD…"

"Look, Riley, I understand that your ego got bruised," Buffy snapped, her eyes flashing with anger, "But you keep your judgments concerning my life to yourself."

"Whatever, Buffy. I'm just glad I learned the truth about you." Riley turned and walked away.

Buffy took a deep breath, telling herself to calm down. What right did he have to act like something was wrong with her just because she didn't fit into his idea of how people should behave? She was in love with Spike, and…

Buffy stopped her thought right there, her eyes growing wide. Yesterday it had been possibly falling in love and now she was all the way there? She frowned. No, that couldn't be right. It was too soon. She wasn't ready.

Only it _was_ right. When she thought about Spike, she felt something stir deep inside her, something she'd only felt once before. She loved him. Somewhere in the midst of everything that had happened since he'd shown up on her doorstep, she'd fallen in love.

A huge smile blossomed over her face as she practically floated to her next class. She was in love.

And if felt damn good.

* * *

Buffy stopped outside her apartment door. She could hear Spike inside, singing and playing his guitar. It was muffled through the door and the wall, and she wanted to be closer, hear it clearly. She opened the door slowly, hoping that Spike wouldn't stop when she entered. 

He did, leaving Buffy disappointed. She liked the sound of his voice, and had wanted the live show. "You don't have to stop on my account," Buffy said, shutting and locking the door behind her. She put her things on the kitchen table. "I heard you out in the hallway. Sounded nice."

Spike was sitting against the wall under the window, guitar in his lap. "I was just working on a new song."

"Can I hear it?" Buffy asked.

Spike shifted. "I just started it. It's really rough. Haven't gotten all the words yet."

Buffy came over and sat on the floor across from him. "I can give you feedback."

Spike hesitated for a moment. "All right. Just don't laugh too hard if it's horrible, okay?"

"It won't be horrible."

"We'll have to see if you still think that in a minute, pet," Spike said with a nervous chuckle.

"I will."

"I just started writing it today…"

"Spike, sing the damn song."

That got her a glare that quickly melted into a smile. He started strumming the guitar and Buffy leaned back on her hands, listening.

"In, I'm falling in again  
I didn't want to  
Not so fast, boy  
Slow  
Don't wanna hurt the girl…"

He stopped singing, though he kept playing the guitar. "Don't know where to go with rest of that verse, but I have the chorus."

"Sing it then. I like it so far," Buffy said.

"And I get blinded when she opens the door  
It's like the sun looking in, you know  
And I'm blinkin', mumblin', starin' at my shoes  
And she just looks at me and smiles  
Smiles, smile."

He stopped playing, watching her with badly-concealed nervousness. "So?"

"I like it. Really. It's very pretty." Buffy glanced down, then asked softly, "Is it about me?"

"Well, yeah. You've been quite the muse since you came into my life, kitten."

Buffy looked up again. "Really?"

"Yeah. Probably has something to do with the fact that you're just about all I ever bloody think about. Seems like no matter where I am, what I'm doing, there you are. My mind has turned into the all-Buffy channel."

Buffy leaned in, her face inches away from his. "And could this all-Buffy channel be shown on network television?"

Spike gave her a leer, leaning in until their lips were almost touching. "Oh no, baby. We're talkin' premium channel here."

"Mmm…care to give me a free preview?"

Spike tossed his guitar off his lap, his lips on hers as he tackled Buffy to the ground.

* * *

"Okay, next time we do this on the floor, I am so on top," Buffy said, shifting uncomfortably. "I have carpet burn." 

"Sorry, pet," Spike said, kissing the top of her head. "Guess we should've aimed for the bed."

"Nope, couldn't have made it that far. I wanted you right then and there."

Spike grinned. "Well, it's nice to know I have that effect on my girl."

"You have quite an effect on me," Buffy said. "I've never been this way with anyone. I want you constantly. Even when you're inside me, it's like it can never be enough." She glanced down. "Not that _he's_ not more than enough, 'cause wow, weren't you blessed in _that_ department, but…"

Spike tightened his arms around her. "I know, kitten. Feels the same way with me. Can't get my fill of you."

Worry crossed over Buffy's features. "Do you think you ever will?"

"Get my fill of you? Don't think so. You set me on fire, Buffy. You make everything brighter, more intense. Just thinking about you makes me feel things I never could've imagined."

"What about that woman you told me about before. The one in England."

Spike stiffened slightly beside her. "Drusilla."

"Yeah. Her."

"Dru wasn't like you, Buffy. I loved her, but she…she wasn't warm like you are. I used to call her my dark princess. That's what she was. All darkness and cold comfort. But being with you, Buffy…it's like tasting sunshine." Spike moved slightly so he was over her, looking down into her eyes. "It may be too soon for this, and it might scare you off, and if it does, know that I'm running after you, but…" He took a deep breath. "I love you, Buffy."

Buffy blinked. "You…you do?"

"Yes. But I'll understand if it's too soon, and you…"

Buffy silenced him with a kiss. "I love you, too," she said when she pulled away.

Spike looked down at her in shock. "Really?"

"Yeah. And I get the whole sudden thing, because hey, we've only been together a couple of days, but I do. I've been falling in love with you since the day you showed up here, I think."

Spike kissed her forehead. "I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. Just took me a while to realize it."

"Back at the wedding?" Buffy asked with a frown. "That was years ago…"

"I know." Spike caressed her cheek. "Saw you dancin', up in your window. You were amazing. Such fire. Beauty and strength. Called to me, you did."

"And yet you were a total jerk when you actually met me."

"Well, you weren't exactly Miss Charming."

"What happened to beauty and strength and fire, huh?" Buffy teased.

"I think that was the fire," Spike said, dropping a kiss on her nose.

"So you like my inner bitch, huh?"

Spike quirked his eyebrow. "Inner?"

Buffy lightly slapped his chest. "Watch it, mister. Cause if I wasn't all boneless right now, I'd so kick your ass."

"Mmm…pretty words, pet," he replied, nipping at her lip with his teeth.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Perv."

"Oi. You were into the bondage thing yesterday."

Buffy tried not to blush. "Your point?"

"My point is maybe you like me being a perv, baby."

"Never said I didn't," Buffy replied, giggling as she pushed up against him.

"That's my girl," Spike said, his voice deep as he kissed her again.

After a moment, Buffy pulled away, her brow furrowed. Spike could tell there was something on her mind other than another round of mind blowing sex… "What is it?"

"Why were you such a jerk at the wedding? I've gotten to know you now, and you aren't like that. So why act that way then?"

Spike rolled off of her, lying beside Buffy on the floor and staring up at the cracked ceiling. "It was because of my mum. I felt…it felt like my father was replacing her."

"She…she died, didn't she?" Buffy asked softly.

"Yeah. She had lung cancer. Never smoked a day in her life, but it got her anyway. I was just a boy when she died, and we were close. I certainly wasn't over it then, and I didn't think he should be either."

"I…I don't think he really got over it. Not like that. When…when someone you love dies you don't really get over it. But you learn to keep living. Learn…learn to move on."

Spike turned on his side, facing her. "I know. More now than I did then… And I don't hold that against him anymore. But I was hurting then, and I took it out on you and your mum. I'm sorry for that."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Don't be. It's okay."

Spike kissed her gently. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

Buffy watched Spike as she slept, a smile tugging at her lips. He looked so beautiful like this, all of the bad boy image he tried so hard to project during the waking hours gone. He looked like an angel. 

_Angel_…

Buffy closed her eyes, a shiver going through her at the thought of her first love. At one time, she'd thought he'd be her last love, too. Even when he was gone and she was alone. But now…

She traced Spike's cheekbone softly, wanting to touch him but careful not to wake him. Despite her best efforts to guard her heart, she was in love. She was already so far gone, and yet she could feel herself falling deeper every day.

Carefully, she got out of the bed, watching as Spike reached out for her even in sleep, a frown marring his face at the loss of her heat. She pressed a kiss against his forehead, watching as he relaxed again.

Buffy walked over to her dresser, opening up her jewelry box and taking out the top layer. She reached behind her and grasped the clasp of the chain she wore around her neck, undoing it with shaky hands. She pulled it off, staring at the Claddagh as it now rested against her skin.

In the years since Angel's death, this was the first time she'd taken the ring from around her neck. She hadn't been able to bring herself to before. It had felt too much like forgetting him…

But she wasn't forgetting. She was moving on. She was _living_…

She turned to Spike, watching him as he slept in their bed. It was time for her to make this step, to face the future instead of the past.

"Goodbye," she said softly before dropping the ring into the jewelry box.

Buffy let out a long, slow breath before rejoining Spike.

* * *

Please, please, please review. I can't stress how important feedback is…

Song is "Smile" by James Marsters.

Okay, I normally don't address specific reviews in author's notes. If I say anything, it's because it's been an issue in several reviews. But this one upset me, and since the reviewer apparently wasn't brave enough to leave an email on his or her criticism, I can't respond any other way.

The review was:  
nice story...but you need something bigger. some very big event that screws everything over and the characters struggle to fix it and the happily ever after is said...yeah, so maybe you are making this very typical, everyone is. why dont you try something different? its not impossible...how about both of them dying tragically and meeting up again in some heavenly dimension? hey, its something less overused at least.

Okay, what I want to say is this. You don't know what I have planned for this story. I doubt you're a mind reader, or have access to my notes. Maybe what I have planned is "typical." Maybe it's not. But don't insult me by essentially telling me my story is bland and that nothing is going to happen in it. I work very hard on this fic, and that's just rude. It's my story, I'm writing it my way. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. If you think my plot is "overused" and "typical" go find something that isn't. But seeing as this story is nowhere near done and, like I said, you don't know where I'm going with it, you have no way of knowing if I need "something bigger" or not. Furthermore, this is an all human AU, and I'm keeping it that way. If you want alternate dimensions and whatnot, go read a Buffyverse fic.


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